I would like to begin by saying that marriage is God’s idea. Those who obey His word and faithfully follow His advice and leading on this matter will be blessed on this wonderful journey. Chief among all that the Bible teaches about marriage is the importance and benefit of keeping Jesus amid your marriage. Colossians 1:16 says, “He (Christ) holds all things together.” Jesus loves being in the midst, and He will hold your marriage together. He will hold your love for and commitment to each other together. And He will also keep your children and family life together.

When The Two Become One

Marriage is joining two lives to become one in love, unity, and purpose. In the reality of marriage, one does not die to one’s distinctiveness but to one’s selfishness. Marriage is not just a mere commitment, but at its heart, it is sacrifice. It is also a faith walk. When a man and a woman make their wedding vows, they are paying each other the highest compliment because they are taking each other at their respective words. They are literally placing their faith in each other.

This brings me to an exciting concept that I believe will help keep the fire of love, commitment, and passion burning in any marriage. When we are born again through our profession of faith and trust in Christ as Savior and Lord, we embark on a tremendous and exciting journey of living for Christ and having our lives transformed into becoming like Christ Himself. When applied to the believer’s spiritual walk, two principles enable them to overcome the challenges we all face on our journey to Christ-likeness. The first is the reality of God’s love for us (1 John 4:17), and the second is embracing our present position and standing in Christ: that we are now the righteousness of God in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21). Once they become real to the believer and embraced by them, these two truths will empower them to abide and grow in Christ in their spiritual walk to maturity. When applied in our marriage relationship, I believe these two concepts will produce a similar result.

Love Covers It All

Let’s take the first concept, which is love. If a couple knows that they truly love each other, this will provide motivation and empowerment to overcome many obstacles. Love is manifested in giving (John 3:16)- love makes you give. The Bible also teaches that love covers a multitude of sins – love makes you forgive. Secondly is the concept of righteousness; that is, positional righteousness. To be righteous simply means to be right or to do right. If a husband and wife see each other as right for each other and toward each other, it will provide tremendous motivation and strength to be and do right by each other. Being regarded as right or righteous brings a sense of peace and rest in the relationship. Each party will strive to live up to the image and expectation of the other. It opens the door in the relationship to a myriad of attitudes and actions that will strengthen their love and commitment toward each other. Things like affection, thoughtfulness and forgiveness that are so essential to a healthy and fulfilling marriage will flow freely. For the believer, knowing that they are God’s beloved and that they now have the righteousness of Christ frees them from the feeling that they have to work and labor to receive God’s approval and acceptance. Once born again in Christ, all that is left for them to do is to “enter into the rest of Christ” (see Hebrews 4:3). This same truth can be applied to a marriage.

Rev. Kasermere Brozozog is an author, pastor, teacher, conference host and speaker, marriage and family counselor, entrepreneur, and successful businessman. He and his family own and operate the Bahamas Retreat Center, located in Westridge. Dr. Kas is married to his amazing bride, Pamela, for over thirty-five years. They are the proud parents of one daughter, Dr. Suzanna Brozozog. The couple resides in Nassau, Bahamas.

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The first lesson to be learned in a marriage is to be open to new perspectives, new ideas, and new ways of doing things. The beauty of having an open heart is the opportunity for the marriage to bloom and flourish into something admired for years to come. When you’re young and have not researched how marriages work before getting married, you never quite know what is expected until you begin the journey together. Marriage is a partnership, a place where two histories come together. It’s in this place you may feel unprepared as both individuals’ past, hopes, and future converge into the present, where they must walk their journey together as a couple. Just as everyone is different, so is each marriage. However, the beauty of the union lies in its ability to embrace each other’s differences and create a space for growth for both individuals. Despite the seemingly simple nature of this thought, it is not always easy to execute.

Having Pre-conceived Ideas For Marriage

Having said I do at the age of twenty-two, and staying with my best friend and husband for twenty-eight years has been an amazing experience. At the beginning of our journey, I had so many pre-conceived ideas about what marriage was supposed to be, and I was eager to apply many of them when I got married. It wasn’t long into our marriage that we realized that our pre-conceived ideas were just that, ideas of our own. Our expectations were not practical, and instead of working together towards a common goal, we had been sabotaging our partnership. Fortunately, we learned early on that those notions about roles and gender in marriage were an obstruction to the smooth running of our home.

For instance, women cooked in our culture, or at least in my home. So naturally, I thought the kitchen was my domain—I should be the chef. Later, when I complained that all the cooking was left to me, I realized that it was an issue I created, one that could have been avoided. You see, by bringing our own expectations into a marriage, based on our upbringing, culture, and even our fantasies, we are developing a problem that can be a burden on the partnership. It is essential to realize that pre-conceived expectations can negatively impact your behaviour and thinking patterns that prevent you from embracing your spouse’s ideas or way of doing things. This becomes a barrier to the other person’s input and thoughts. These barriers not only rob your spouse’s expression but can stunt the development of the marriage.

Is It Okay To Express My Feelings Too?

Also critical is recognizing that everyone is entitled to express their feelings. They are valid and deserve to be heard and respected. It took me some time to come to that conclusion, but it took the burden off my shoulders when I did. You can disagree with your spouse on a matter and still respect that it’s their opinion. This understanding requires maturity, but you can do it if you are sincere and keen on being a strong couple. In the past, I was inclined to dismiss new ideas and concepts as invalid because my spouse came up with them. It took us a long time to learn and understand how to use mutual respect to help build our marriage. Respect means I see you as valuable and what you have to offer is equally beneficial for me. In turn, it gives your spouse the feeling of belonging and that we are on this journey together. No one is solely responsible for the journey, but instead, we are responsible for it together. This attitude fosters a sense of appreciation and value within the relationship, ensuring that everyone has something to contribute. To learn the importance of respectful treatment of one’s ideas and thoughts, you must understand that respect does not mean agreeing with everything your spouse says or does, but rather that I respect that they are your thoughts and feelings. When mutual respect is shown to one another you are both more confident and in love and excited about building our lives together.

Your Past Can Affect Your Future

Our past can affect behaviour and ideas. I took this for granted when I started my marriage journey. It never occurred to me that my opinions, thoughts, and lack of self-confidence would weave themselves into the tapestry I had begun with my husband. I was indecisive, and my indecision would frustrate my husband to no end. He didn’t know that my lack of confidence came from my painful childhood. Making a decision was difficult because I felt I did not have much to offer; I had no chance of standing on my own. It took us time to develop a non-judgmental, non-threatening space in which we felt safe to share. This is extremely important in marriage.

Neither of us really understood until years into our marriage that showing yourself fully to someone takes patience, love, and understanding from both people. This would require us to listen and feel compassion even when we did not agree or understand why the other person did what they did. This requires putting your feelings aside, if only for a moment. This tender space we carved out has evolved into a place we treasure, our sanctuary, a place we ensure will last for a lifetime. So don’t be afraid to do the work and create your own space for you and your spouse to find solace in when life gets overwhelming and demanding.

Lack of Communication Can Cause Lack of Intimacy

There is more to communication than just talking. Your attitude and actions show exactly how you’re feeling and scream what you may be internalizing very loudly. Because I was a non-communicator, my husband spent hours probing and trying to understand what I was feeling. I was afraid to express myself, fearing I would be misunderstood. Like every marriage, we realized we needed to build a firm foundation for our relationship to work. Without communication, it is easy to become strangers living in the same house. If you do not communicate, you are probably sabotaging your relationship. By communicating with your spouse, you will see how marriage is a beautiful partnership if you are both willing to work on it. However, you must be willing to work on yourself and not constantly try to fix your mate. As the two have now become one, you will realize how much stronger you are together through the convergence of minds, thoughts, ideas, emotions, failures, and successes. The beauty of oneness creates an intimate bond, which cannot be easily destroyed.

Prophetess Sharnette Kemp is the author of Help Lord I’m Bleeding, My Encounter with Grace. She is also the co-founder & Sr. Leader of Gateway Kingdom Ministries in Lower Bogue, Eleuthera. Prophetess Kemp is married to Pastor Martin Kemp. The couple has three children.

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Based on solid biblical principles and modern-day realities, Healing the Wounds of the Past provides solutions for the tragedies and traumas you may have experienced and helps you move confidently beyond the past and into a life of joy, success, and abundance in God’s glory.

Offering encouragement and loving guidance to a wide audience, this book is especially written for those who have been victimized physically, spiritually, or emotionally. T.D. Jakes, well-known and beloved mega-church pastor, delivers a comforting message that is empowering and enlightening.

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Probably no other dimension of human experience has been pondered, discussed, debated, analyzed, and dreamed about more than the nature of true love. Yet, for all our thinking and talking, where can we turn for genuine insight in matters of true love?

Dr. Myles Munroe provides answers to the questions surrounding the true nature of love as he exposes the false images created in our culture. He shares practical and realistic truths that will enable you to discover and experience love for God, for yourself, for your mate, and for those around you.

HOW MANY OF US TRULY UNDERSTAND MARRIAGE?

At one point or another every newlywed couple has to face the question, “Okay, we’re married; now what? We are in love, but how do we build a successful life together, one characterized by a lifetime of love, joy, friendship, and fruitfulness?”

Once again, Dr Myles Munroe provides practical, sensible solutions for couples in the areas of communication, financial management, and true intimacy.

This book is a simple and refreshingly usable guide that will help young couples chart their way to marital success and avoid the things that could cause their marriages to flounder.

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•Is your marriage in a state of crisis…or do you want to take your relationship to the next level?

•Do you need to fight for your marriage, but you just don’t know how to?

•Did you know that your spouse is not your enemy and that your war is not against flesh and blood?

•Are you ready to apply simple steps to experience tremendous results to cultivate a fabulous marriage?

•Are you ready to activate heaven to war on your behalf with the simple (but powerful) words that you speak?

My Marriage Matters! Simple Keys To Enriching Or Restoring Your Marriage will help you to prevent, as well as to overcome annoying assaults to your marriage. Learn to use your God-given authority to push back the enemy so that your relationship is strengthened and your joy is restored.

This topical guide will also inspire you, build your faith, teach you to love without limits, and equip you to overcome many of the obstacles faced in marriage. You will love using this book to make your marriage work even better than ever! Teri addresses common concerns that both you and your spouse can work through together or independently.

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In the #1 New York Times international bestseller The 5 Love Languages, you’ll discover the secret that has transformed millions of relationships worldwide. Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman’s proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner—starting today.

The 5 Love Languages is as practical as it is insightful. Updated to reflect the complexities of relationships today, this new edition reveals intrinsic truths and applies relevant, actionable wisdom in ways that work.

Includes the Couple’s Personal Profile assessment so you can discover your love language and that of your loved one.

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It’s quite natural to have differing opinions. After all, no two people are alike. Now, when they come together, you can imagine that there will be differences of opinion. Those differences often lead to arguments. But they don’t have to. We act the way we do because of the information we’ve received. Our actions generally shift when there is a change of information.

Have you noticed that some adults have double standards when it comes to arguing? It’s acceptable behavior for them but wrong for their children, who are not only told not to argue but punished if they do. Instead, they are encouraged to work their issues out amicably. Many have heard their parents say, “don’t do what I do, do what I tell you to do!”

Kids, however, learn to resolve conflicts just as they see the adults doing. So, they raise their voices in anger, spew harsh words, have temper tantrums, and wield objects without restraint. The cycle then continues into adulthood, which affects marriages and other relationships.

Love Shouldn’t Hurt

Pretty often, it’s not the problem that’s the problem, but how you choose to address the issue that makes the difference. Some couples claim to have a short fuse or that they’re passionate. They raise their voices and flail their arms when communicating. Non-confrontational spouses take the abuse quietly while nursing their heartache from their overbearing partner.

Other couples claim that fighting fair is important as though their relationship is an authorized wrestling match. Did you know it’s possible not to fight or argue at all? In fact, disagreements do not have to turn into arguments. Both people involved in the relationship have a right to express their opinions without being bullied. In any event, having ground rules for your disagreements before they happen would be helpful. That way, you are less likely to do and say things to your spouse that would leave emotional dents.

No Big Rocks!

It’s not like when you were kids, and you had a rock war with your neighbors. Remember, you would set the terms of engagement like this: “Okay, no big rocks!” But on the way back across the street to tell your team how the negotiations went, you got whacked with a big rock. For your marriage or any other relationship to survive, you’ve got to have standards. Set communication guidelines and stick with it regardless of how high your passion rises. Call it establishing healthy rules of engagement.

Remember, everyone is entitled to an opinion. A wise man once said that opinions are like noses; most have at least two holes. Take the time to listen to your spouse before putting forth your point of view. Perhaps there would be less agitation if there was twice as much listening as there was talking. While you’re at it, practice good body language. Being two inches from your spouse’s face with a finger on the verge of entering their nostril is disrespectful and does not provide an atmosphere for a friendly conversation.

Can Public Shaming Help Your Situation?

When you honor your spouse, that honor is not just when you feel like it; it should be constant. When you become annoyed, defuse that anger before it spirals out of control. It may require walking away from the conversation in a polite manner before you can speak calmly. This way, you can navigate sensitive issues with a clear head and a respectful disposition.

Whether intentional or not, some couples wield their rocks in a public forum; they do so at family events, church, on social media, or in-office chatter, hoping to shame or discredit their spouse. However, this public shaming says more about the character deficiency of the exposer than the exposed.

Keep Private Disagreements Private

If you have children, how does this play out for them—are you by your example conditioning your children to be disrespectful to you and your mate, or their mates? Are you burdening them with too much information by drawing them into conversations that should be kept behind closed doors? Could your behavior be what is affecting your children’s behavior at school or in their relationships?

As adults, our behavior has a trickle-down effect that affects all levels of society. What we are behind closed doors will somehow show up despite all efforts to suppress them. We can sugar-coat our deficiencies or look them squarely in the eyes and address them. No one has it all together, so fixing an area in our lives should be considered a routine course of action, not a judgmental slap in the face. That’s just one way to begin to stem the flow of abuse in our relationships.

But I’m Not Patient!

I’ve heard some people say, “But I’m not patient!” Yet they claim to love their spouse. Well, which one is it? Are you impatient, or do you love them? You see, the Bible tells us that “love is patient”. So rather than letting a pesky little devil get between the two of you, why not learn how to stand together as one and drive it away from both of you. That way, you can focus on having the best relationship yet. One that is free from constant bickering—one that causes you to build each other up rather than breaking yourselves down. You can learn to communicate lovingly if you really want to. Don’t you think it’s about time you begin to celebrate each other in this way?

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

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Humility is often thought of as a weakness or something with little value, and apologizing to a spouse, is even worse. Many people would agree that the average apology has lost its luster. The “I’m sorry” statement has become more of an “Okay, I hear you, but get over it!” reflex. A general remark to put an end to the conversation. For some, there’s really no sense of remorse, repentance, or even the slightest desire to correct the issue. On the other hand, the pride of the offender serves as a gaseous balloon that internally puffs one up with a false sense of rightness despite the apparent injury the behavior has caused.

The Warped Moral Compass

Merriam-Webster defines apology as an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret. The spirit of a sincere apology comes with remorse and a desire to make things right, unlike Stan (not his real name), who was caught in an uncompromising situation by his wife, Lottie (not her real name). Lottie worked late for several weeks and decided to wrap up her work early to spend time with her husband. She hoped to surprise Stan, which she did. Unfortunately, she was surprised too—and so was the lady who had made herself comfortable in their bed. Stan said he was sorry, and he was. He was sorry that he had gotten caught, but there was no change in his behavior. This man had no remorse—another word defined by Merriam-Webster as a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs.

Lest you think that it is a male thing to be void of decency in a marriage, a 2018 article entitled, Who Cheats More? The Demographics of Infidelity in America by Wendy Wang revealed enlightening data from a General Social Survey. The report indicated that 20% of men and 13% of women surveyed reported that they’ve had sex with someone other than their spouse while married.

Kimberly’s, (not her real name) adulterous behavior was discovered by her husband almost ten years into their marriage. Instead of recommitting to her marriage, she opted to continue in her extramarital indiscretions with her single friends at the financial and emotional expense of her husband and their children. She did her utmost to destroy the one person who believed in and provided for her. Sadly, Kimberly, like Stan, had a warped moral compass that catered to their feelings rather than their marital vows.

What Real Repentance Looks Like

John was caught by his wife in a similar situation. His actions after he was found out were a little different than Stan and Kimberly’s. He realized that he had a problem and was sorry that he hurt his wife; he apologized then went for counseling to get his life together and restore his marriage. The Christian counselor posed several questions to John with a view of getting to the root of his dilemma.

His wife knew about this incident, but not the others he confessed to. He had a problem, the counselor noted that ran through his family. His grandfather, father, uncles, and brothers had the same problem. They were all chronic philanderers—serial womanizers of the highest order. John mistakenly thought marriage would cure his promiscuity. Now that his back was against the wall, he used this opportunity to get the help he needed to put his life on the right track. He decided that he was unwilling to throw away his relationship with his wife or destroy the family they had raised together.

Infidelity Survey

Last year a survey of just under 200 people was taken by Trustify.com, which revealed some tell-tale signs that there were weak points in their marriages. According to the study of persons who admitted to infidelity:

• 55% of male respondents cheated on their spouse with five or more people
• 50% of the female respondents admitted to cheating with one person
• 32% of the men met the person they cheated with online (either through social media or a dating service)
• 22% of the women met the person they cheated within some sort of social setting (bar, party) or had a previous romantic connection to that person
• 23% of the men said the leading cause of the affair was due to a lack of sexual satisfaction
• 28% of the women said the cause of the affair was due to a lack of emotional satisfaction

Even though most of the couples remained together after the affair it was interesting to note that their view about the health of their relationship varied considerably. Of the men engaged in an affair, 60% said they were on good terms with their wives; similarly, 40% of the wives claimed that they were not on good terms with their husbands.

How Do You Navigate Out of This Messy Infidelity Situation?

Firstly, you must be willing to acknowledge that there is a problem. Covering a rotten table with a beautiful cloth does not strengthen the table. Like a broken marriage, a rotten table will eventually crumble if not fortified. Sometimes people willfully do dastardly deeds, others fall prey to them. The challenge is not just doing the act, rather the willingness of both parties to participate in rebuilding trust and mutual respect for the restoration of the marriage.

This restoration requires remorse and repentance. The act of repentance is to have a change of heart and mind; to turn away from the offense. It’s a step further than just being sorry for how you feel about what you did, rather than being sorry for what you did. Unfortunately, infidelity is prevalent in all levels of society, including the church. God, the designer of marriage and family, does not endorse adultery. Still, he does recommend wholeness and healthy families—simply because he loves us too much to let us stay the way we are when he has a better option.

So what is it that you are sorry about and now need to take it to the level of repentance? You can turn away from the fault to receive full restoration. God’s arms are open wide to you. If you feel a tug in your heart, it’s not one of condemnation but of conviction. It’s time to make that turn to be a willing participant in building a healthy marriage and family.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

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