It’s pretty standard for ladies to list what they want in a man. As a matter of fact, when approached holistically, it’s wise. However, a list limited to the usual handsome, church-going man with money usually falls flat. Those ladies are the first to discover that it takes more to make their marriage work.

As a 2009 marriage and divorce study by the Barna Group indicated, there are just as many divorces in the church as outside. Further research by author Shaunti Feldhahn, showed that Barna’s Christian category included people who professed a belief in Christianity but did not live a committed lifestyle. While love, sex, and church attendance are fundamental parts of a marriage, they should not be considered the bedrock of a successful marriage.

Emotional Connections Are Not Enough

Unfortunately, women can sometimes get overly sensitive when it comes to issues of the heart. If you are thinking about marriage, your choices shouldn’t be based solely on your feelings. Feelings void of truth and practical wisdom, laced with overactive hormones as well as a mythical expiration date, is a cocktail for bad decisions. There are a few questions you may want to ask yourself about the man in question. Bear in mind that some men would be better and do better if they knew how to. This is not an exercise to condemn a potential candidate. Instead, it should help in determining the type of man better suited for marriage.

If a man needs to develop in critical areas, allow him the time for growth. His identity, communication, job security, and character development may need sharpening to be a better husband. That may not mean that he’s not the one. It just means you are allowing each other time to develop. This way you would be better partners. A forced-fit situation can leave the man feeling pressured and the woman feeling as though she is the lead person in the relationship. For even a well-intentioned but under-developed man, that’s usually a big turnoff.

Ignoring Wise Advice

Ladies, if you really want to have a successful marriage, you must be honest with yourself. A young lady shared with me her eagerness to get married to a younger man in her church. She thought that since they were both at the same church benefitting from the same teaching, they would be compatible.

Despite his family’s cautioning and a strong warning from her pastor that the young man was not ready for marriage, she went full-speed ahead with the wedding. She soon realized that he was not emotionally, spiritually, socially, or financially mature. Her desire to defy her self-imposed marriage expiration date clouded all practical reasoning. She believed she could make the man into the perfect mate, even though he was happy as he was. Today, after more than ten years of trying to make the marriage work, she has had to move away for her physical, emotional, and financial well-being.

What Questions Should You Ask When Choosing Your Man

Apart from first determining if you are sufficiently prepared for marriage and not looking for someone to complete you, here are a few questions you can ponder when considering a husband:

• What are his spiritual values? – Are you on the same page, or will you be continually bickering because your beliefs are different? Is he morally sensitive, or does anything go?
• Is he really interested in you, or is he playing both sides of the fence? – Some men, like women, believe marriage is the key to settling their hormones. Whatever issues exist before marriage, however, are carried into the marriage and continues if they were not dealt with.
• Do you communicate well with each other? Men, in general, do not talk as much as women. However, when you do speak, do you show him honor and respect?
• Does he treat you with respect? If a man was not raised in an environment where women are respected, he might not know how to handle the fairer sex. Settling for improper treatment may very well block the path for someone who will treat you as you deserve.
• Can he support you and a family? Ladies are sometimes so eager to find a mate that they settle for an underdeveloped male dependent on their finances instead of a financially independent man. A potential husband should be actively supporting himself through legitimate means with the ability and willingness to contribute to the support of his family.
• Is he kind and gentle or jealous and violent? When he finds a “lady”, a gentleman should be kind and considerate. Jealousy and violence are indications of impending danger and not worth the trouble.
• Does he invest in developing his skills? It is often necessary to update your skills to maximize employability in our changing world. A man who continues to learn and invest in his abilities is an asset to his family.
• Does he have a plan for his future? Failing to plan is planning to fail. Being busy will keep him occupied, but upward mobility may not be his lot in life. If you are ambitious, you won’t be satisfied with someone who isn’t.
• Does he have integrity? A man who lacks integrity will violate your trust. He will have you caged in suspicion, questioning his every word and action even when he may be telling the truth.
• Is he willing to learn how to have a successful marriage? Most people don’t invest in developing their relationships. Taking a marriage enrichment class and reading books like Before We Say, I Do… and My Marriage Matters (authored by me) can help you to avoid unnecessary hassles in your relationship.

Among the essential qualities of a good husband are men who are:

• Loving
• Kind
• Honest
• Patient
• Forgiving
• Humble
• Teachable
• Respectable
• Respectful
• Sober
• Employed/employable and
• Family-minded

While many men are sound and have their heads screwed on straight, some need to be mentored by an appropriate role model before becoming relationship or marriage-ready. When you find a possible candidate for marriage, recognize that, like you, he will fall short of perfection and will need the space to develop without criticism. This will allow him to maintain his dignity and present himself to you whole and without the marks of being hen-pecked.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

The post Choosing The Right Husband appeared first on Marriage & Family Enrichment.

Quick question here. Do you know what you’re looking for in a wife? With all the chaos in many marriages today, you must wonder if men are giving any thought to what are essential characteristics of a good wife? Granted, men are stimulated by sight, but is that the sum total of a great life partner? Of course, many men would like to look at a pretty face with an equally attractive hour-glass-shaped body, but what if that beautiful form is void of substance. How many men have been sucked into marriages with women who bring nothing to the table other than what is clipped on or pushed up?

Although a number of sharp-witted men say that beauty is what attracts them to women (and that is important), they are quick to acknowledge that it’s their intellect that keeps them. Having all the social graces and character to go with it makes for a pretty little package. The problem is, they say, it’s not as common as they would like to find a woman who can be considered a full package. Ladies, unfortunately, are saying the same about many of the men as described in my previous article, Choosing The Right Husband.

Wife material- More Than a Pretty Face

A young man was told by his mother not to focus on a woman’s looks alone, but to go for character and talent. That way, she would be a useful mate that he can trust. Well, Larry was tossed between Sylvia and Sarah, he could look at Sylvia all day, she was gorgeous—having enough wigs to change her style at least twice daily and a wardrobe to match. Larry loved the idea that he was the envy of every man in the night clubs and when it came to talent, she was the undisputed Karaoke queen, but that was all she was good for, as his mother pointed out.

Sylvia nor Larry could cook or clean, and neither had a job that could support their lavish lifestyle of dining out every day. His mom cautioned that his girl, who lived from paycheck to paycheck without any savings, would drain his finances and was a possible heartbreak in the making. On the other hand, Sarah, his more casual interest, was not a looker but was intelligent and talented with a great career ahead, lived a modest life. At 28 years of age, she was already building her duplex and drove a small car that was paid for. Though she wasn’t as attractive as Sarah, she was a lovely person to talk to and fun to be around.

Larry was more like his father and brothers; they had pretty women, and he wanted one too. He chose Sylvia. Much to Larry’s disappointment, Sylvia continued the club life after they were married. She had no ambition, and having an intelligent conversation was an ordeal. His new wife felt restless around his friends and family, which became a bone of contention between them. As a couple, they were both miserable, and Sylvia took to sweethearting with the guys she met at the clubs when she went out with her friends from work.

Are You Ready to Commit?

Before committing to your girl, you may want to ponder a few questions. It’s okay to have a checklist of the must-haves of a dream mate, but you must go deeper than surface elements, which will be altered by gravity and time.

In several online surveys, men had a tendency to list the following must-haves in a lifemate:

• A good cook
• Good looking
• Not a nag
• Someone who boosts his ego
• Submissive
• Get along well with the in-laws and
• A good home-maker

While there is nothing wrong with the list, you may wish to expand it and go a little deeper. Consider these points below if you are thinking about tying the knot:

• Do you share the same spiritual beliefs?
• Does she have ambition?
• Is she selfless and not selfish?
• Were you the pursuer, or is she the aggressor, and how do you feel about that?
• Does she conduct herself like a lady, or is she a good-time girl?
• Does she treat you with respect, or does she dishonor you among friends and family?
• Does she love you or your bank account?
• Is she more comfortable in church or at the local nightclub?
• Does she have a job or several male sponsors?
• Does her birth certificate reflect that she was born a female?
• Does she have integrity, or is she a liar?
• Does she invest more time and money in developing her character or her exterior?
• What are her thoughts on having children?
• Would she be a good role model for your children?
• Can she submit to her husband’s authority, or is she contentious and unruly?
• Can she hold a conversation, or is she just pretty?
• Can she support your career, or will she pull you down?
• Is she a good listener or just a great talker?
• Can you trust her with your heart?
• Is she confidential, or will your business be an ongoing topic on her job?
• Does she maintain a clean home?
• Are you equally committed to the long-term success of your marriage?

While some of these points may seem a bit awkward, one must be attentive in this day and age and ask questions. If you find that a good number of your answers are negative, consider to what extent this would affect your relationship if you were to get married. So you see, gentlemen, you can have an attractive lady, and a woman needs to maintain that standard, but there is much more at stake in having a successful marriage.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

The post Is She Wife Material? appeared first on Marriage & Family Enrichment.

Picking a spouse is not the same as choosing a peach. Chances are, if you don’t have the correct information to determine what a great spouse looks like, you just may end up with a wrinkled prune. Prunes serve a purpose, but they can send you running to the hills for relief, so you may want to have them in moderation. Many people, especially in large societies, resort to online dating sites. Some folks are happy with it; others are not. Stories are often told of people who post profile pictures of their younger, smaller, and more glamorous selves to attract the partner of their dreams.

Back in my great grandfather’s day, there was no online dating. In fact, after his wife died tragically in Inagua, where they lived, he realized he needed another wife to help him raise their two sons. Great granddad opted for a mail-order bride from England; he selected a beautiful creamy-skinned young lady from a catalog and paid the fee. She was sent months later on the next boat smoking to the islands. Unfortunately, a switch-up of ladies before departure resulted in her unattractive sister being sent in her place. When Jacob was tricked and given the wrong woman as a bride, he bit his lip and worked until he could pay the bride price for Rachel, the lady he truly wanted. Great granddad, unfortunately, didn’t have that option. Though the song had not yet been penned, I imagine her stepping off the boat singing, “Signed, sealed, delivered, Baby, I’m yours!” It was a long journey, and sending the less than attractive lady back was not an option.

On the other hand, great-granddad, a tall, distinguished businessman and a catechist in the Anglican church, was known to be a God-fearing man, so rather than cuss and carry on, I imagine that he bowed his head and asked Jesus to take the wheel. He eventually got over his shock and disappointment. Whether you choose a possible mate from some online site or shopping among your local pickins’, you should brace yourself. Surprises are inevitable. Still, you should have some idea of what you are looking for. Or at minimum, when you should run for the hills.

Fathers Can Smell A Rat

Just a quick heads-up for single ladies considering tying the knot with their beau. Fathers of all people can smell a rat or a sweet-talking, gold-digging trickster a mile away. They know when their daughters are being conned; duped, and taken advantage of by a Johnny Slickster. Many of them know from experience, shall we say? Those aware of these moves tend to be very strict with their daughters.

Some young ladies learn quickly, even though the messenger can be a little bumpy in their delivery at times. Nadia learned how to spot a huckster from her dad. At 35, she was just getting into serious dating after focusing on her career goals and building her duplex townhouse in a good New Providence community. When Jack, her new boyfriend, showed more interest in her after visiting her home on the hill, she didn’t pick up right away. It was days after their engagement when he suggested that they put their assets in both of their names that a warning light went off. Jack didn’t have any sound assets of his own other than a few taxi plates that barely made it to the road and the handful of gold-plated rope chains that peeped through his partially buttoned collared shirt. He still lived with his parents at 42 years of age and drove a refurbished sports convertible. It didn’t take Nadia long to tell Jack to hit the road and don’t turn back…no more.

Can They Pass The Mom Test?

On the other hand, mothers also have a unique way of discerning the right and wrong friends for their children. Many young men have brought their girl home to mom for a quick assessment. Sometimes they get a nod; other times, they get a raised eyebrow or a harsh stare, and when really concerned, a cut eye followed by a suck teeth. A young man confided in his mother that he wasn’t sure the girl he was attracted to was the real deal after receiving several photos of extreme makeovers on social media. The transformation was startling. He was not a heart patient, but still, he wasn’t looking for a surprise after she washed her face and removed her attachments. While he didn’t have a problem with a woman taking care of herself and making general enhancements, he didn’t want to have a wife who had to sleep with her makeup on for his peace of mind. His mother’s advice was brief. She encouraged him to take the young lady for a swim before he proposed. His mom believed that what was not naturally hers would hopefully wash away with the tide. He opted to ignore her suggestion and asked the lady directly, “Are you the one, or should I look for another?”

Not All Surprises Are What You Bargained For

An acquaintance shared her father’s story. Peter was a former military general in the South Pacific who had fallen in love with a local beauty. They dated for several months before he proposed. One morning he decided to surprise her with a visit. Not expecting him, she answered him behind the closed door, asking him to return after she had put on her makeup. This was ludicrous to him, they were from a modest culture, but they would soon be married. The lady reluctantly opened the door to her apartment. Not knowing what to expect, the man stumbled backward and ran away screaming. The only sound that blared in his pulsating head was, “Run, Peter, run!”His fiancé’s chest was flatter than usual. She had no eyebrows, short lashes, a receding hairline with thinning short hair, her flat face had virtually no lips, which was a stark contrast to her usual sumptuous lips, long lashes, sculpted face, and thick long hair. They never saw each other again.

At a gathering, a father cautioned his son about his new girlfriend. He told him that she looked good and seemed very intelligent but wanted to know how long he knew her. Did he know her people? The son was irritated, his family was difficult to please, but still, he asked his father why he had reservations about his new girlfriend. His father pulled him aside and told him that in all the years he’s had women, he’s never seen one with an adam’s apple.

Are Parents Always Right?

But can parents go overboard with their assessments, and what is the consequence? Shirley was sure Margot was not the right girl for her only child, Jason. She gave him an ultimatum. It was either his girlfriend or his mother. Shirley added that if he did choose Margot, he was not welcomed in their home. More than ten years and two grandchildren later, Shirley was too proud to admit that she had made a mistake. Jason and Margot were happy and were raising two lovely children who never knew their grandparents.

Albert was not happy about his last daughter Yasmine’s choice of a husband. Of his two daughters, he couldn’t figure why she couldn’t find a suitor like her sister, whose husband was well known in the community and came equipped with a great job and home. Her father didn’t consider character or potential, which was what Yasmine saw in her fiancé. When her sister’s marriage ended in domestic abuse and infidelity, Yasmine’s remained strong. After years of watching his oldest daughter’s marriage disintegrate, Albert conceded, Yasmin was a better judge of character than he was.

While parents can and do offer helpful relationship insights to their children. It is important to instill values in them early to help them decide on a spouse. Can parents still offer their opinion? Absolutely, when it is requested. Once you have made your position clear, there is no point in destroying your relationship. Show them by example what a healthy relationship looks like. It is also helpful to give them the ideal plain-talking marriage preparation book to help them navigate their relationship decisions as adults before looking for a suitor.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

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