Many people don’t realize that emotional affairs in marriage rarely begin with a decision to betray. More often, they begin with an innocent conversation that slowly becomes something more.

At first, the connection feels harmless. You feel understood. You feel seen. You feel valued in ways that may feel missing at home.

Yet when emotional intimacy shifts outside the covenant, the marriage begins to lose something sacred. Marriage was designed to hold both physical and emotional exclusivity. When that boundary blurs, distance quietly follows.

Awareness, therefore, is not about suspicion—it is about protection.

What Emotional Affairs in Marriage Really Look Like

An emotional affair develops when one spouse forms a deep emotional bond with someone outside the relationship and begins sharing thoughts, struggles, or affections that belong within the marriage.

There may be no physical involvement. Nevertheless, the emotional attachment grows significant and increasingly private.

This often shows up in subtle ways:

• Confiding personal frustrations about your spouse
• Seeking affirmation from someone else
• Deleting messages or hiding communication
• Feeling anticipation around private conversations
• Comparing your spouse unfavorably

Because emotional intimacy is powerful, where you invest it matters deeply.

Proverbs reminds us to guard our hearts carefully, since everything we do flows from them (Proverbs 4:23). Guarding your heart protects your home.

Why Emotional Affairs Feel So Comforting

People who have fallen into this trap say that what makes emotional affairs in marriage especially dangerous is how comforting they feel in the beginning.

Understanding replaces tension. Validation replaces frustration. Conversation feels easy again. You don’t realize you are like the frog in the pot of water, who only realizes the danger when the water becomes too hot to bear.

Meanwhile, everyday responsibilities, unresolved conflict, or simple busyness may have created emotional distance at home.

Gradually, however, comparison takes root. Emotional energy shifts. The warmth that once belonged to your spouse begins to cool.

For that reason, emotional drift often comes before emotional betrayal. When couples stop nurturing connection intentionally, vulnerability increases.

The Impact on Trust and Unity

Even without physical betrayal, emotional affairs disrupt trust in profound ways.

Secrecy enters quietly. Defensiveness follows. Emotional withdrawal becomes noticeable.

Friends, marriage thrives on transparency and shared vulnerability. Hidden emotional attachments create confusion and insecurity, even before the truth fully surfaces.

In addition, spiritual unity weakens when emotional intimacy leaves the covenant. What once felt safe begins to feel uncertain.

This is why emotional boundaries matter so deeply.

Protecting Your Marriage with Intention

Tellis and I recognize that strong marriages grow through attention, not assumption.

Gentlemen, we know this is somewhat touchy, but emotional intimacy must remain a priority. That means asking meaningful questions, listening with patience, and sharing honestly and respectfully, even when conversations feel uncomfortable.

Healthy boundaries also protect connection. Friendships are valuable; however, it is important to know that emotional exclusivity belongs within marriage.

Digital communication deserves careful attention as well. Friend, if a conversation requires secrecy, it really deserves reconsideration.

Above all, invite God into your daily interactions. Couples who pray together naturally and consistently strengthen their unity.

Your intentional investment in your relationship builds protection.

When an Emotional Affair Has Already Occurred

If you recognize blurred emotional boundaries in your marriage, respond with clarity rather than panic.

End the inappropriate connection firmly and respectfully. Tellis always says there is no such thing as a secret when improper behavior is involved. Even if it is a sin of the heart, the devil who led you to that point knows and is waiting for the right opportunity to trip you up and bring you to open shame. Being honest with yourself is important even though it feels difficult. Facing truth, though uncomfortable, opens the path toward healing with your spouse.

Rebuilding trust requires consistency. Transparency, humility, and steady effort restore stability over time.

While emotional affairs in marriage wound deeply, they do not have to define the future. When repentance meets commitment, restoration becomes possible.

God restores surrendered places.

Our Final Word

Emotional affairs in marriage often begin where the connection weakens and vulnerability increases. Therefore, the solution is not a harsh accusation—it is a renewed intention.

So guard your heart. Protect your intimacy with your spouse and choose transparency.

When couples deliberately invest in one another, even fragile seasons can strengthen the covenant rather than fracture it.

If you desire practical, faith-based guidance to protect and restore your marriage, Teri shares deeper steps in My Marriage Matters.

Your marriage is worth guarding—and with care, it can flourish again.

Praying God’s best for you and your marriage!

— Tellis and Teri Bethel

The post Emotional Affairs in Marriage: How to Protect Your Covenant appeared first on Christian Marriage and Family Resources.

It’s amazing how two people can share a home, a bed, and a schedule—and still feel miles apart. Emotional disconnection in marriage rarely happens overnight.

Quite often, it doesn’t begin with shouting. It begins with silence or busyness. With small, unattended moments. One day you realize you’re functioning well… but you’re no longer connecting deeply. If that feels familiar, don’t lose heart. Drift can be corrected—but it must be recognized first.

In this article, Tellis and I share five signs your marriage may be quietly drifting and how you can begin restoring closeness.

1. You Talk About Everything Except What Matters

So you discuss:

• Work
• The children
• Bills
• What needs fixing

But you haven’t asked each other in a while, “How is your heart?”

Connection is not built on logistics. It is really built on your vulnerability. Restoring emotional intimacy often begins with one sincere question—and your willingness to truly listen without interrupting, correcting, or defending. Sometimes healing begins when someone simply feels heard.

2. Appreciation Has Faded

We assume our spouse knows we care, even though it was not stated recently. But as many know, love that goes unspoken can begin to feel absent. When was the last time you intentionally complimented your spouse, acknowledged their effort, or expressed gratitude?

Scripture reminds us that life and death are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). Words are not small in marriage—they shape the atmosphere of your home. You have to speak life again. Notice again and affirm again.

3. Irritation Has Replaced Patience

When emotional closeness weakens, small issues feel magnified. Tone sharpens, grace thins, and defensiveness rises quickly. Often, the frustration is not about what just happened—it is about the distance that has been growing underneath the surface.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1). That is not just spiritual advice. It is relational wisdom. Gentleness softens hearts. And softened hearts reconnect.

4. You Share More With Others Than With Each Other

Emotional intimacy must be guarded. If you find yourself opening up more freely to friends, coworkers, or social media than to your spouse, that is a signal. This is not about isolation—it is about priority. Your spouse should not be the last to know what is happening in your inner world. Rebuilding exclusivity in your communication strengthens unity.

5. You’ve Stopped Being Intentional

Love does not thrive on autopilot. If you have stopped:

• Initiating meaningful conversations
• Spending focused time together
• Praying together
• Expressing affection

Your drifting apart will naturally follow. You see, strong marriages are not sustained by emotion alone. They are sustained by maturity, humility, and our daily decisions to show up well.

How to Reverse Emotional Drift in Marriage

The good news is this:

Distance does not mean defeat. Emotional disconnection in marriage can be reversed when even one spouse chooses to be intentional.

Begin here:

• Take responsibility for your tone.
• Guard your words.
• Reintroduce small acts of affection.
• Ask better questions.
• Invite God back into your daily interactions.

The truth of the matter is that you do not need grand gestures. You need consistency. Marriage is cultivated—not maintained by accident.

A Final Encouragement

If you sense drift, do not panic. Do not accuse, and do not withdraw or ignore it. Address it gently. Humbly. Prayerfully. Remember that God cares about your marriage more than you do. And when we tune in to Holy Spirit to apply His principles consistently, we begin to see fruit.

I go into more practical, Bible-based steps for restoring emotional connection and strengthening marriage in my book My Marriage Matters: Simple Biblical Keys to Restore and Enrich Your Marriage.

Listen, take heart, and be encouraged. If you are willing to do the work, closeness with your spouse can grow again.

Your marriage matters. And believe us, it is worth protecting. If this article has been helpful to you, share it with your spouse and watch God begin to turn your hearts to each other.

We’d love to hear from you!

Warmest blessings,

— Tellis and Teri Bethel

The post How to Recognize and Reverse Emotional Drift in Your Marriage appeared first on Christian Marriage and Family Resources.

Navigating menopause isn’t just something women go through on their own. For couples, it’s an experience that demands understanding, patience, and—most importantly—communication. But here’s the thing: if you’re not familiar with what menopause actually is or what it entails, it’s easy to misread the signs. For women, the symptoms are often a mystery to themselves, so it’s no surprise when husbands feel lost too. Couples who approach menopause with open communication have the best shot at making it through without feeling disconnected. It’s crucial that both partners understand this shift isn’t about withholding affection—it’s a season of change that requires compassion, not frustration. And yes, guys, that means no running off to younger women when things get tough.

Menopause Isn’t One-Size-Fits-All

One thing I’ve learned (and keep learning) is that menopause is not a one-size-fits-all experience. Women go through it in their own unique ways. Sure, there might be some overlap in symptoms, but everyone’s journey looks different. For a clearer picture, let me share a couple of stories that highlight just how complicated—and sometimes painful—this transition can be.

The Misunderstood Wife: When He Thinks She’s Withholding

I had a conversation with a woman whose husband just didn’t get it. He thought she was deliberately pulling away from him. What he didn’t understand was that menopause was affecting her libido and causing painful vaginal dryness. For her, intimacy had become physically painful, but neither of them realized that this was a phase that could eventually pass. Instead of seeking out help, they just argued, thinking it was all about something personal or emotional. The more anxious she got, the harder it was to relax, even in her prayer life. She couldn’t move from a “victim” mindset to a victorious one because she felt trapped in her body’s changing state. They were stuck in a loop of frustration that could’ve been avoided if they had talked things through or sought professional advice sooner.

The Younger Woman: Feeling Broken, But Not Alone

Then, there was another woman—ten years younger than me—who was spiraling into depression. She felt like her body was completely broken, like she was dying. It’s heartbreaking to hear someone say that, but it’s not uncommon. I suggested she talk to her doctor. It turns out she was entering perimenopause. Once she realized that, she finally understood why she was dealing with hair loss, body aches, and mood swings. Now, she’s feeling much better. With that new understanding, she felt empowered to speak openly with her husband, which improved their relationship significantly. He no longer feared losing her to an illness he couldn’t understand.

Why Understanding Matters: For Both Partners

Here’s the bottom line: Menopause affects both partners, but if you’re not talking about it, you’re making it harder for everyone. Men need to understand that their wives are not intentionally pulling away—they’re simply navigating a tough physical and emotional journey. And women? You can’t expect your husband to read your mind. It’s on both of you to communicate honestly and support each other.

Navigating Menopause Together, Hand in Hand

Menopause doesn’t have to drive a wedge between couples. In fact, with the right communication and understanding, it can bring you closer together. But it’s not something that just automatically gets sorted out—it takes effort from both sides. So, whether it’s understanding that sex is harder than it used to be or realizing that mood swings don’t mean a lack of love, it’s crucial to keep the lines of communication wide open. Men, don’t abandon ship—your wife needs you more than ever. And ladies, don’t be afraid to share what you’re going through. With empathy and teamwork, this chapter can lead to a stronger, more connected relationship.

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Of all the crazy goals we can come up with, I have never heard of anyone planning to become a substance abuser. If you were to chat with someone who has recognized that they do have an addiction to drugs or alcohol, they would probably tell you that their consumption was initially because of peer pressure and later to fill an emotional or spiritual void.

Some may even recognize that alcohol and drug use was an unfortunate strain in their family, something that has affected their people for generations. In some cases, however, it was a case of a dependency on a legitimately prescribed pain medication. The users eased into it and somehow found themselves stuck—like the frog in the pot scenario. It is said that if you were to toss a frog in a pot of hot water, it would attempt to jump out, but if you took the same frog and placed him in a pan with colder water, over gradual heat, there is no cause for alarm, so it gets cooked.

How Addiction Affects Relationships

Many substance abusers are in denial. They simply refuse to acknowledge that they have a dependency on their drug of choice. Others quibble with the definition of alcoholism or drug addiction, claiming that they are users because they enjoy the substance. It is something they say can be stopped at any time.

Despite the fact that the spouse of a substance abuser claims that life with an abuser is horrific, it is fair to say that living with a sober spouse can also have its share of challenges. The usual complaint being the sober spouse is overbearing, controlling, judgemental, and unkind. This is a gripe when the addicted spouse believes the sober spouse has played a part in driving them to drink in some way. Though this may not be factual, it is a perception they have embraced as their reality.

When Do You Intervene?

Even though patience is essential in the best of relationships, a more considerable amount is necessary when living with a spouse or someone suffering from addictions. Living with an addict requires inner strength, wisdom, and boundless love. While the addict cries, “if you love me, you’ll let me,” the sober spouse cries, “because I love you, I won’t let you.” The two then become at odds with each other.

It is necessary for the sober spouse to understand that it is not possible to ultimately help someone who does not recognize that there is a problem in the first instance or someone who does not want to be helped. When there is a sincere indication that assistance is required, then the sober spouse should have an actionable plan ready to assist with minimal effort.

Casual Drinker or Addict

Not all drinkers have the same tolerance levels. Some may claim intoxication after two servings of alcohol when others may claim to feel a buzz after six. The tolerance level is not an indication of whether a person has a dependence on the substance.

CAGED is a questionnaire sometimes used by professional therapists when screening people 18 and over, to determine whether or not they have a drinking problem. The designers of this system say that having two or more answers in the affirmative is an indication that there is indeed a problem:

1. Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your drinking?
2. Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking?
4. Have you ever felt you needed a drink first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?

General Indications of Drug Use

Drug users have some similar indicators as an alcoholic, but there are some slight nuances for general use detection such as:

• Not wearing clean or well-presented clothing
• Poor grooming and personal hygiene
• Decreased attention span
• A change in rest and sleeping patterns
• Higher levels of agitation
• A change in personal values

Drug users tend to have hallucinogenic encounters; their moods spiral from highs to lows with deep depression courting their every move. More specific indicators are bloodshot eyes for marijuana users. Opiates like narcotic painkillers and heroin generally cause the pupils to shrink, and cocaine, ecstasy, and LSD causes the pupils to expand.

Indicators for Alcohol Disorders

Alcohol.org sets the following areas as indicators for someone with a drinking disorder. Anyone experiencing any two of the items listed below within a 12 month period can likely be diagnosed as an alcoholic:

• Using alcohol in higher amounts or for a longer time than originally intended.
• Being unable to cut down on alcohol use despite a desire to do so.
• Spending a lot of time obtaining, using, and recovering from the effects of alcohol.
• Cravings, or a strong desire to use alcohol.
• Being unable to fulfill major obligations at home, work, or school because of alcohol use.
• Continuing to abuse alcohol despite negative interpersonal or social problems that are likely due to alcohol use.
• Giving up previously enjoyed social, occupational, or recreational activities because of alcohol use.
• Using alcohol in physically dangerous situations (such as driving or operating machinery).
• Continuing to abuse alcohol despite the presence of a psychological or physical problem that is probably due to alcohol use.
• Having a tolerance (i.e. needing to drink increasingly large or more frequent amounts of alcohol to achieve the desired effect).
• Developing symptoms of withdrawal when efforts are made to stop using alcohol.

The important take away for you, whether you are a substance abuser or someone living with or married to a substance abuser is, they are all human beings who need help, hope, and love, not a judgment from you. Even though boundaries should be established to respect your home, living life as an abuser is imprisonment of its own sort. Nevertheless, you should avoid being an enabler, and you must learn to walk away or not answer every attack if you wish to deescalate a problem. Focus on your mental, physical, and spiritual help if you are going to survive this storm. Consider getting professional advice, whether or not the addicted spouse cares to seek help.  Remember that the choice to live is a gift each person must accept for themselves.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

The post The War Against Substance Abuse in Marriage appeared first on Christian Marriage and Family Resources.

I would like to begin by saying that marriage is God’s idea. Those who obey His word and faithfully follow His advice and leading on this matter will be blessed on this wonderful journey. Chief among all that the Bible teaches about marriage is the importance and benefit of keeping Jesus amid your marriage. Colossians 1:16 says, “He (Christ) holds all things together.” Jesus loves being in the midst, and He will hold your marriage together. He will hold your love for and commitment to each other together. And He will also keep your children and family life together.

When The Two Become One

Marriage is joining two lives to become one in love, unity, and purpose. In the reality of marriage, one does not die to one’s distinctiveness but to one’s selfishness. Marriage is not just a mere commitment, but at its heart, it is sacrifice. It is also a faith walk. When a man and a woman make their wedding vows, they are paying each other the highest compliment because they are taking each other at their respective words. They are literally placing their faith in each other.

This brings me to an exciting concept that I believe will help keep the fire of love, commitment, and passion burning in any marriage. When we are born again through our profession of faith and trust in Christ as Savior and Lord, we embark on a tremendous and exciting journey of living for Christ and having our lives transformed into becoming like Christ Himself. When applied to the believer’s spiritual walk, two principles enable them to overcome the challenges we all face on our journey to Christ-likeness. The first is the reality of God’s love for us (1 John 4:17), and the second is embracing our present position and standing in Christ: that we are now the righteousness of God in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21). Once they become real to the believer and embraced by them, these two truths will empower them to abide and grow in Christ in their spiritual walk to maturity. When applied in our marriage relationship, I believe these two concepts will produce a similar result.

Love Covers It All

Let’s take the first concept, which is love. If a couple knows that they truly love each other, this will provide motivation and empowerment to overcome many obstacles. Love is manifested in giving (John 3:16)- love makes you give. The Bible also teaches that love covers a multitude of sins – love makes you forgive. Secondly is the concept of righteousness; that is, positional righteousness. To be righteous simply means to be right or to do right. If a husband and wife see each other as right for each other and toward each other, it will provide tremendous motivation and strength to be and do right by each other. Being regarded as right or righteous brings a sense of peace and rest in the relationship. Each party will strive to live up to the image and expectation of the other. It opens the door in the relationship to a myriad of attitudes and actions that will strengthen their love and commitment toward each other. Things like affection, thoughtfulness and forgiveness that are so essential to a healthy and fulfilling marriage will flow freely. For the believer, knowing that they are God’s beloved and that they now have the righteousness of Christ frees them from the feeling that they have to work and labor to receive God’s approval and acceptance. Once born again in Christ, all that is left for them to do is to “enter into the rest of Christ” (see Hebrews 4:3). This same truth can be applied to a marriage.

Rev. Kasermere Brozozog is an author, pastor, teacher, conference host and speaker, marriage and family counselor, entrepreneur, and successful businessman. He and his family own and operate the Bahamas Retreat Center, located in Westridge. Dr. Kas is married to his amazing bride, Pamela, for over thirty-five years. They are the proud parents of one daughter, Dr. Suzanna Brozozog. The couple resides in Nassau, Bahamas.

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The first lesson to be learned in a marriage is to be open to new perspectives, new ideas, and new ways of doing things. The beauty of having an open heart is the opportunity for the marriage to bloom and flourish into something admired for years to come. When you’re young and have not researched how marriages work before getting married, you never quite know what is expected until you begin the journey together. Marriage is a partnership, a place where two histories come together. It’s in this place you may feel unprepared as both individuals’ past, hopes, and future converge into the present, where they must walk their journey together as a couple. Just as everyone is different, so is each marriage. However, the beauty of the union lies in its ability to embrace each other’s differences and create a space for growth for both individuals. Despite the seemingly simple nature of this thought, it is not always easy to execute.

Having Pre-conceived Ideas For Marriage

Having said I do at the age of twenty-two, and staying with my best friend and husband for twenty-eight years has been an amazing experience. At the beginning of our journey, I had so many pre-conceived ideas about what marriage was supposed to be, and I was eager to apply many of them when I got married. It wasn’t long into our marriage that we realized that our pre-conceived ideas were just that, ideas of our own. Our expectations were not practical, and instead of working together towards a common goal, we had been sabotaging our partnership. Fortunately, we learned early on that those notions about roles and gender in marriage were an obstruction to the smooth running of our home.

For instance, women cooked in our culture, or at least in my home. So naturally, I thought the kitchen was my domain—I should be the chef. Later, when I complained that all the cooking was left to me, I realized that it was an issue I created, one that could have been avoided. You see, by bringing our own expectations into a marriage, based on our upbringing, culture, and even our fantasies, we are developing a problem that can be a burden on the partnership. It is essential to realize that pre-conceived expectations can negatively impact your behaviour and thinking patterns that prevent you from embracing your spouse’s ideas or way of doing things. This becomes a barrier to the other person’s input and thoughts. These barriers not only rob your spouse’s expression but can stunt the development of the marriage.

Is It Okay To Express My Feelings Too?

Also critical is recognizing that everyone is entitled to express their feelings. They are valid and deserve to be heard and respected. It took me some time to come to that conclusion, but it took the burden off my shoulders when I did. You can disagree with your spouse on a matter and still respect that it’s their opinion. This understanding requires maturity, but you can do it if you are sincere and keen on being a strong couple. In the past, I was inclined to dismiss new ideas and concepts as invalid because my spouse came up with them. It took us a long time to learn and understand how to use mutual respect to help build our marriage. Respect means I see you as valuable and what you have to offer is equally beneficial for me. In turn, it gives your spouse the feeling of belonging and that we are on this journey together. No one is solely responsible for the journey, but instead, we are responsible for it together. This attitude fosters a sense of appreciation and value within the relationship, ensuring that everyone has something to contribute. To learn the importance of respectful treatment of one’s ideas and thoughts, you must understand that respect does not mean agreeing with everything your spouse says or does, but rather that I respect that they are your thoughts and feelings. When mutual respect is shown to one another you are both more confident and in love and excited about building our lives together.

Your Past Can Affect Your Future

Our past can affect behaviour and ideas. I took this for granted when I started my marriage journey. It never occurred to me that my opinions, thoughts, and lack of self-confidence would weave themselves into the tapestry I had begun with my husband. I was indecisive, and my indecision would frustrate my husband to no end. He didn’t know that my lack of confidence came from my painful childhood. Making a decision was difficult because I felt I did not have much to offer; I had no chance of standing on my own. It took us time to develop a non-judgmental, non-threatening space in which we felt safe to share. This is extremely important in marriage.

Neither of us really understood until years into our marriage that showing yourself fully to someone takes patience, love, and understanding from both people. This would require us to listen and feel compassion even when we did not agree or understand why the other person did what they did. This requires putting your feelings aside, if only for a moment. This tender space we carved out has evolved into a place we treasure, our sanctuary, a place we ensure will last for a lifetime. So don’t be afraid to do the work and create your own space for you and your spouse to find solace in when life gets overwhelming and demanding.

Lack of Communication Can Cause Lack of Intimacy

There is more to communication than just talking. Your attitude and actions show exactly how you’re feeling and scream what you may be internalizing very loudly. Because I was a non-communicator, my husband spent hours probing and trying to understand what I was feeling. I was afraid to express myself, fearing I would be misunderstood. Like every marriage, we realized we needed to build a firm foundation for our relationship to work. Without communication, it is easy to become strangers living in the same house. If you do not communicate, you are probably sabotaging your relationship. By communicating with your spouse, you will see how marriage is a beautiful partnership if you are both willing to work on it. However, you must be willing to work on yourself and not constantly try to fix your mate. As the two have now become one, you will realize how much stronger you are together through the convergence of minds, thoughts, ideas, emotions, failures, and successes. The beauty of oneness creates an intimate bond, which cannot be easily destroyed.

Prophetess Sharnette Kemp is the author of Help Lord I’m Bleeding, My Encounter with Grace. She is also the co-founder & Sr. Leader of Gateway Kingdom Ministries in Lower Bogue, Eleuthera. Prophetess Kemp is married to Pastor Martin Kemp. The couple has three children.

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The old saying, “Marriage is easy to get into but difficult to get out of,” doesn’t seem to affect the speed at which couples enter and exit marriages today. The reasons why people pursue marriage have also changed over the years. Marriage vows have been edited for comfort, deleted when convenient, professed with glee, then totally ignored. For many, when problems come, the ease of tossing them in the tall weeds of life seems to be a quick way to bury their existence.

Having Reasonable Expectations

Many men marry with the expectation of having children. When discovering a wife cannot conceive after several years of not having a baby, he wonders if he chose the right mate. Notwithstanding that most of the other areas of their relationship are going quite well. Too often, the bottom line is whether or not the wife is a good “breeder.” Can she produce an heir or a grandchild to make him and his family happy? Such was the case of a young couple we’ll call Collin and Carlie, who tried to have children for seven years but were unsuccessful. Tired of his family’s badgering about his wife’s barrenness, Collin decided it was time to look for more fertile pastures. He did this despite claiming to love his wife. That pesky, “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” part of the marriage vow was no longer convenient for Collin, who later engaged in an adulterous affair resulting in a child out of wedlock.

Mike and Beth (not their real names) had a similar story. He accused his wife of being barren and left her for a woman who had already proven her fertility. Beth was heartbroken at the time but found consolation after remarrying and becoming pregnant for her new husband. Mike and Beth’s inability to have children was not what Mike thought; the problem was due to Mike’s sterility. These weighty expectations couples have of each other can easily be managed with open communication before getting married. While this might be the last thing a couple thinks they will have to deal with in their marriage, it is an unfortunate reality needing wise and gentle handling.

Some Causes of Childlessness

According to the Standford University article, “What Causes Female Infertility?” There are numerous medical reasons couples could be childless. Their issues can be from physical (such as drug use) to spiritual matters. Whatever the problem, seeking professional assistance can often correct the situation. Playing the blame game with your spouse is not helpful when both parties are distraught and perhaps already blaming themselves. Allowing interference from family members or friends who insist it is time for you to have a child has never proven to advance the situation.

There’s Always a Solution to a Problem

Many couples have proven adoption to be so rewarding that they have taken in multiple children, some even related to each other. In the absence of a biological child, adopting a child in need of love and care regardless of age is an incredibly selfless act. This could benefit the couple, the child, and society. It requires a couple whose greatest desire is to love children just as much as they would if they were biologically theirs. A few well-known people who were adopted and made a mark in the world are:

• Nelson Mandela (former President of South Africa)
• Dave Thomas (founder of Wendy’s)
• Babe Ruth (famous baseball player)
• Faith Hill (singer)
• Steve Jobs (founder of Apple Computers)
• Eartha Kit (Actress)
• Edgar Allan Poe (Poet)

The adopted child may be the very one to save a life, lead a nation, or bring joy. A friend of mine tried to have children for many years. It was emotionally painful for her not having a child after twenty years of marriage. To have friends celebrate Mother’s Day year after year and not experience the joy herself weighed her down. After many prayerful and tearful treatments and operations, she and her husband decided it was time to adopt. They believed that there were children who required love just as much as they needed to express that love. Days after bringing their adopted child home, she conceived—today, the couple has two beautiful children. The point is a problem is merely a situation that has not yet uncovered a solution. When the couple took the focus off of themselves and was willing to love a child in need, they opened themselves to receive double for their trouble.

Is Your Marriage Really Over?

Should you toss your marriage out of the window because your spouse cannot conceive? What if the shoe were on your foot? Is that how you would want to be treated? Consider all of your options before taking such drastic measures that could put you in a far worse situation. You must be willing to seek the advice of people who have wisdom in your area of concern. In the meantime, adjust how you look at the situation and treat your spouse with respect. Take the time to respectfully discuss what you both may consider the best course of action. Conflicts will come in any relationship, but it’s not the problem that is the problem; it’s how you choose to address it. Rather than chucking your marriage because you hit a bump in the road, consider holding your spouse’s hand and going through it together, for better or for worse.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

The post Can We Have Children? appeared first on Christian Marriage and Family Resources.

Have you ever wondered when the bickering would end? Will you ever overcome the strife in your marriage? How can you be kind to someone who is constantly unkind to you? Are these questions that often run through your mind desperately seeking an answer? Anyone can be good to people who are kind to them, but what about a misguided spouse who is emotionally or physically abusive? You know the kind you want to have a Dathan and Abiram experience. That’s when God told Moses to stand back, ‘He’s got this’—then the earth opened up and swallowed some of the rebellious Israelites in one gulp.

Seriously though, you know that behind the sugar coating presented to the public, some spouses are just plain mean. Regardless of the good you do, it’s never enough. However, when the consequences of their actions catch up with their abuse, they are usually quick to blame everyone, including God, for allowing it to happen. Taking responsibility for their actions seems the farthest thing from their minds.

Knowing When to Speak and When Not To…

One of the biggest challenges many people have when going through trials in their marriage is knowing when to speak, how to speak, and what to say when they speak. Often hurting couples just want to bloviate. Their lengthy thoughtless dialogs are mostly triggered by raw emotions not designed to restore a situation. On the contrary, they speak words planned to inflict damage as though lashing out at their spouse lessens their pain.

There are times when your best approach is simply to be quiet, hold your tongue, and calm your nerves—even if you were wronged. You must learn to listen. Show your mate respect and ask that they do the same for you when you wish to share your perspective. Some of you are probably saying, “Not a day like it!” But if your intended outcome is for peace and restoration, you must be willing to listen and, at times, be misunderstood. Your vindication will not come from arguing to prove your point. It will come from an irrefutable power if you have entrusted your marriage to God.

How Far Should You Take It?

This is not to say that you must or should sit back and accept the abuse of someone who is consistently violating you and the sanctity of your marriage. There are times when you must fight, but if you are wise, you will learn how to fight. I’m not referring to physical or emotional violence. That doesn’t serve a purpose no matter how much you think a good wallop on the side of your mate’s head would be the cure for whatever ails them.

What many people do when they encounter challenges in their marital relationship is consult their friends or family. Usually, the ones who themselves have not maintained a healthy relationship. The ones who often hold a grudge against your spouse for the last bucket load of indiscretions you shared about them. Fortunately, those who choose to have a relationship with their Creator have a manual called the Bible, which contains the keys to maintaining a successful marriage. The best way to initially troubleshoot a marital problem is to pray and refer to your manual. If you need intervention, you should consult an authorized dealer (pastor, priest, or counselor). Someone who has a relationship with the author of your manual and successful experience with the subject. Avoid the unauthorized bush mechanics that have no knowledge or experience with your issue at all costs.

When to Put Up Your Dukes

When you are being assaulted from external sources sitting quietly or pretending the problem doesn’t exist will not help you. This is the time to put up your dukes; you know, take your stance and begin to fight. The fight that will bring victory, however, is spiritual in nature. Quite often, people going through challenges in their marriages believe that the issues will just fix themselves if they stay calm and keep quiet. More often than not, that makes a person bitter, not the problem better.

If your marriage is under attack, your fight is not with your spouse but the thing operating through your spouse to bring division. The Creator’s manual says that God has come to give you life, but the thief (the devil) has come to steal, kill and destroy your life—that includes your marriage. It’s the thief who is behind the ruckus in your relationship. Instead of you and your spouse joining forces to fight him, he usually has you turning on each other.

Does Unforgiveness Affect You in Any Way?

One of the key elements in overcoming challenges in marriage is having a forgiving heart. Letting go of the past is the best way to embrace a healthy future. To continue to recite your spouse’s weaknesses will only open the door to unforgiveness and bitterness.

What about those who have embraced an embittered life? Dr. Karen Swartz is the director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The John Hopkins Hospital. She says that chronic anger can eventually result in physical changes to the body. Studies have shown that one’s heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response cause more harm to the person harboring resentment than to the offender. In the article Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It, Dr. Swartz mentions that this mindset increases the risk of depression and other diseases including diabetes. On the flip side, Dr. Swartz noted that forgiveness calmed stress levels and caused an improvement in health.

So what’s the balance? Is it ever beneficial to harbor resentment or embrace unforgiveness? As Dr. Swartz alluded, unforgiveness does more harm to the one holding the bitterness than the one to whom it is directed.

Considerations for the Way Ahead

When challenges arise, which they will, perhaps you should consider what’s essential to revive your marriage. Be honest with yourself as you ponder the following questions:

• Is your ego more important than your relationship?
• Do you have to be right to be happy?
• Are you willing to work through the conflict issues in your marriage?
• Can you commit to treating your spouse with respect?
• Will you join your mate to find sustainable solutions to your problems?
• Can you embrace the good in your spouse rather than the things that annoy you?
• Are you prepared to speak highly of your spouse instead of backbiting them?
• Are you willing to stand together and fight for your relationship and not against each other?

If so, then the light you see at the end of the tunnel may not be a train after all.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

The post Can You Overcome Strife In Your Marriage? appeared first on Christian Marriage and Family Resources.

Being a lady is much more than having a series of female body parts. Like beauty, it goes deeper than the surface of your skin. It’s a part of you that unapologetically embraces your value and invites others to do the same. The Collins Dictionary says that when you suggest a woman is a lady, you mean that she behaves in a polite, dignified, and graceful way. Being treated like a lady is not about making demands of every male you encounter to treat you like a princess. It is more about conducting yourself in a manner where you are celebrated and not tolerated; respectfully embraced and not effaced. In other words, being treated like a lady is something you command by enlightened behavior, not by demanding with aggression.

Do Women Still Want To Be Admired & Respected?

In an age where chivalry seems to be dying, many women still want to be treated like a lady. But do we conduct ourselves as ladies, or is it just something we feel we are entitled to as females? Women, in general, want to be admired, respected, cherished and cared for. Of course, some believe that chivalry died with the knights of the round table, but that’s not so. For a female to be a lady is a matter of choice; a decision. For someone to treat her as one is also a decision, generally based on how a woman carries herself and how a man is brought up.

The fact is, even tough women want to be treated with dignity. Their mouths may be hard and their countenance severe, but when consistently treated like the precious jewel that they are, you will undoubtedly see that icy surface melt. Some women say that they don’t need a man to open the door for them as though that is the full extent of being a lady.

So What Does Being A Lady Look Like?

Here are a few characteristics. A lady is a woman of substance, who:

• Treats herself with respect
• Avoids vulgar communication
• Sees herself as a person of value
• Is not promiscuous
• Knows her true identity
• Is tough-minded yet, tenderhearted
• Is polite and has poise
• Gives proper attention to her hygiene and grooming
• Dresses with dignity
• Surrounds herself with people who celebrate her
• Is particular about the environments she visits
• Builds people and communities

Of Great Value

Before anyone can treat you like a lady, you must first become a lady. If something is not valued, it is usually not given much attention; without attention, there is decay. You are valued and of great value. Start by seeing yourself through the eyes of the Creator. Ask him to show you how and begin to give yourself the attention you need to refine yourself.

While you may have an aha moment overnight, becoming a lady is a lifestyle that will require you to renew your thinking. Like tossing old thoughts and habits to replace them with acceptable behavior that will help to propel you in the right area. Queen Esther went through a time of purification before she could spend time with the King. It was a time of training that went beyond beauty treatments. It wasn’t a one-shot deal to impress the King. It was a regimen that was meant to equip her for a lifestyle of living as a regal lady.

Take Small Steps

You may not have the budget afforded Queen Esther, but you can begin your journey to becoming a lady with small steps. Start by being polite; being gracious is an attribute that society is in great need of. Do you walk like the incredible hulk with a scowl on your face? Consider walking with your legs closer together, using smaller steps and a pleasant smile. Walk with purpose, shoulders back and chin up; it shows confidence and strength.

Be gracious—even when you don’t feel like it. Loud, raucous conversations in public with a beer bottle in hand, and your northern extremities pouring from your blouse paints a negative image of you. Control what you say and how you say it—speak clearly so you could be understood. Real ladies use clean language to express themselves and not bar-room broth.

Changing Your Thinking Will Change Your Behavior

Read empowering books to improve your communication and behavior. A good etiquette book can teach you good manners, show you how to eat and which utensils to use when dining as well as why you shouldn’t talk with food in your mouth. By reading, you can learn what polite conversation looks like; how to sit and other considerations relating to a lady’s deportment.

Your not being groomed as a lady during childhood is no reason to remain in that state. Presenting yourself as a lady does more than impact how you regard yourself. However, in addition to feeling better about yourself, you are more inclined to receive the respect you deserve. Now, if the people in your circle don’t treat ladies with respect, then maybe it’s time to step out of your circle and into a better one.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

The post Can You Treat Me Like A Lady? appeared first on Christian Marriage and Family Resources.

Cameron and Jenny’s marriage was once the talk of the town, and they looked like the happiest couple in the land as they walked hand in hand in public. A week barely passed when one of them would post a smiling picture of themselves with private messages for public display in their favorite social media hangout. But behind the façade was a loneliness Jenny felt was beginning to consume her. Cameron filled his boredom with the marriage by hanging out with his friends. He knew it was important for Jenny to profile her success in public, so he went along with it, agreeing to wear matching clothes and posing for the smiling selfies.

As Stale As Old Bread

Have you ever pulled a slice of stale bread from the bag and just could not bring yourself to eat it? That once delicious baker’s delight that used to tantalize your taste buds is no longer appealing. In fact, you were so bored with it you left it on the counter to dry up.

That’s how some marriages are—untouched, dry, and unappealing; just left to the side. Your marriage doesn’t have to be like that. Like old bread, your relationship becomes stale when it’s taken for granted. As former directors’ of a local marriage ministry, it was not unusual to hear some wives complain of their boredom in marriage. Being overlooked drove a wedge between them and their husbands, and complaining about it made an even deeper wedge.

Men were also claiming boredom with their relationships. Those with young families often complained that their wives did not give them the attention they had become accustomed to before having children. Their relationship had become more about kids and careers than about themselves. As time passed, they continued to drift in separate directions. Some admitted to going places to fill the void, like clubs, and often found themselves knee-deep in relationships that had become difficult to exit.

Barna Statistics

According to the Barna Group’s 2008 survey of marriages and divorces in America, four out of every five adults (78%) have been married at least once. The study revealed an even higher proportion of born-again Christians (84%) marry. Although there were many variants to their findings, it was determined that divorce among Christians was practically the same rate as non-Christians, with African Americans being the highest in the divorce category.

Bridging The Gap

One of the main areas of concern for most couples was the lack of healthy communication. Women who are generally chatty by nature wanted to talk, to share their day with their husbands. Men wanted quiet; by the time they came home from work, their total allotment of words for the day was used up. The only thing left in their bag of vocabulary were grunts and other unidentifiable sounds. For them to rehash their day was about as thrilling as sitting in a dentist’s chair for a tooth extraction. Hearing about her day before unwinding was even more painful. Cameron found himself making a beeline for his bed or the television to escape Jenny’s chatter. He explained that he needed time to unwind and preferred to do it at home if she would just allow him to catch himself. Then, he would be better positioned to have a conversation with her. Jenny didn’t understand, so he began staying out later.

Are You Ready To Take Your Relationship to a Higher Level?

As a married couple, balance is vital. While each needs private time, it is just as needful to have a ‘together time’. Not just for a sexual encounter but for building intimacy with each other. Contrary to popular opinion, intimacy begins with conversations and random acts of kindness, not a roll in the sack. The good news about rebuilding your relationship is that you don’t have to do everything at once or expect an overnight turnaround to habits that took years to develop.

Simple Steps to Making Big Improvements

Punishing your spouse by being unkind will not bring satisfaction in marriage. Instead, try the steps below:

• Explore the purpose of marriage—the creator of a thing knows the purpose for which it was created.
• Discover how effective marriages thrive—so many people spend years studying for their careers but won’t invest the time or resources needed to build a happy marriage.
• Give your spouse the personal time they need.
• Develop the habit of patiently listening to your wife.
• Treat your spouse with love and respect—adjust your attitude to one that honors your mate.
• Take time to develop your friendship and get to know your spouse again.
• Prioritize your relationships—some friendships could be destroying your marriage.
• Keep your private life private—there’s no need to impress outsiders.

Just The Two Of You

Despite your busyness, it is essential to stop the running. At least once a week, reset and reconnect with your spouse by spending quality time together. Choosing to bypass a routine activity to spend time with your spouse shows how much you care for them. The first thing many couples say is they don’t have the funds to do anything together. Finances are an issue, so they stay home. Some of the poorest people in the world have the richest relationships. That’s because their focus is on people and not things.

So, how about taking a scenic evening walk or sitting on the back porch to watch the sun go down. Do something that you can connect with; practice eye contact as well as open displays of affection such as holding hands. Speak positively to each other, avoid negative remarks and criticisms. Share your heart, tell a joke, get a good belly laugh; cultivate your friendship again without your cell phone in hand.

Rebuilding your relationship doesn’t take much. Make an effort to rid yourself of a dry marriage once and for all while you embrace a robust one that satisfies you both.

Teri M. Bethel is the author of My Marriage Matters- Simple Keys to Enriching & Restoring Your Marriage. Available in Nassau, Bahamas at Logos Bookstore and Nassau Stationers. Also available in Governor’s Harbour Eleuthera at Office General and North Eleuthera at the North Eleuthera Snack and Craft Place.

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