Of all the crazy goals we can come up with, I have never heard of anyone planning to become a substance abuser. If you were to chat with someone who has recognized that they do have an addiction to drugs or alcohol, they would probably tell you that their consumption was initially because of peer pressure and later to fill an emotional or spiritual void.

Some may even recognize that alcohol and drug use was an unfortunate strain in their family, something that has affected their people for generations. In some cases, however, it was a case of a dependency on a legitimately prescribed pain medication. The users eased into it and somehow found themselves stuck—like the frog in the pot scenario. It is said that if you were to toss a frog in a pot of hot water, it would attempt to jump out, but if you took the same frog and placed him in a pan with colder water, over gradual heat, there is no cause for alarm, so it gets cooked.

How Addiction Affects Relationships

Many substance abusers are in denial. They simply refuse to acknowledge that they have a dependency on their drug of choice. Others quibble with the definition of alcoholism or drug addiction, claiming that they are users because they enjoy the substance. It is something they say can be stopped at any time.

Despite the fact that the spouse of a substance abuser claims that life with an abuser is horrific, it is fair to say that living with a sober spouse can also have its share of challenges. The usual complaint being the sober spouse is overbearing, controlling, judgemental, and unkind. This is a gripe when the addicted spouse believes the sober spouse has played a part in driving them to drink in some way. Though this may not be factual, it is a perception they have embraced as their reality.

When Do You Intervene?

Even though patience is essential in the best of relationships, a more considerable amount is necessary when living with a spouse or someone suffering from addictions. Living with an addict requires inner strength, wisdom, and boundless love. While the addict cries, “if you love me, you’ll let me,” the sober spouse cries, “because I love you, I won’t let you.” The two then become at odds with each other.

It is necessary for the sober spouse to understand that it is not possible to ultimately help someone who does not recognize that there is a problem in the first instance or someone who does not want to be helped. When there is a sincere indication that assistance is required, then the sober spouse should have an actionable plan ready to assist with minimal effort.

Casual Drinker or Addict

Not all drinkers have the same tolerance levels. Some may claim intoxication after two servings of alcohol when others may claim to feel a buzz after six. The tolerance level is not an indication of whether a person has a dependence on the substance.

CAGED is a questionnaire sometimes used by professional therapists when screening people 18 and over, to determine whether or not they have a drinking problem. The designers of this system say that having two or more answers in the affirmative is an indication that there is indeed a problem:

1. Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your drinking?
2. Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking?
4. Have you ever felt you needed a drink first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?

General Indications of Drug Use

Drug users have some similar indicators as an alcoholic, but there are some slight nuances for general use detection such as:

• Not wearing clean or well-presented clothing
• Poor grooming and personal hygiene
• Decreased attention span
• A change in rest and sleeping patterns
• Higher levels of agitation
• A change in personal values

Drug users tend to have hallucinogenic encounters; their moods spiral from highs to lows with deep depression courting their every move. More specific indicators are bloodshot eyes for marijuana users. Opiates like narcotic painkillers and heroin generally cause the pupils to shrink, and cocaine, ecstasy, and LSD causes the pupils to expand.

Indicators for Alcohol Disorders

Alcohol.org sets the following areas as indicators for someone with a drinking disorder. Anyone experiencing any two of the items listed below within a 12 month period can likely be diagnosed as an alcoholic:

• Using alcohol in higher amounts or for a longer time than originally intended.
• Being unable to cut down on alcohol use despite a desire to do so.
• Spending a lot of time obtaining, using, and recovering from the effects of alcohol.
• Cravings, or a strong desire to use alcohol.
• Being unable to fulfill major obligations at home, work, or school because of alcohol use.
• Continuing to abuse alcohol despite negative interpersonal or social problems that are likely due to alcohol use.
• Giving up previously enjoyed social, occupational, or recreational activities because of alcohol use.
• Using alcohol in physically dangerous situations (such as driving or operating machinery).
• Continuing to abuse alcohol despite the presence of a psychological or physical problem that is probably due to alcohol use.
• Having a tolerance (i.e. needing to drink increasingly large or more frequent amounts of alcohol to achieve the desired effect).
• Developing symptoms of withdrawal when efforts are made to stop using alcohol.

The important take away for you, whether you are a substance abuser or someone living with or married to a substance abuser is, they are all human beings who need help, hope, and love, not a judgment from you. Even though boundaries should be established to respect your home, living life as an abuser is imprisonment of its own sort. Nevertheless, you should avoid being an enabler, and you must learn to walk away or not answer every attack if you wish to deescalate a problem. Focus on your mental, physical, and spiritual help if you are going to survive this storm. Consider getting professional advice, whether or not the addicted spouse cares to seek help.  Remember that the choice to live is a gift each person must accept for themselves.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

The post The War Against Substance Abuse in Marriage appeared first on Marriage & Family Enrichment.

I would like to begin by saying that marriage is God’s idea. Those who obey His word and faithfully follow His advice and leading on this matter will be blessed on this wonderful journey. Chief among all that the Bible teaches about marriage is the importance and benefit of keeping Jesus amid your marriage. Colossians 1:16 says, “He (Christ) holds all things together.” Jesus loves being in the midst, and He will hold your marriage together. He will hold your love for and commitment to each other together. And He will also keep your children and family life together.

When The Two Become One

Marriage is joining two lives to become one in love, unity, and purpose. In the reality of marriage, one does not die to one’s distinctiveness but to one’s selfishness. Marriage is not just a mere commitment, but at its heart, it is sacrifice. It is also a faith walk. When a man and a woman make their wedding vows, they are paying each other the highest compliment because they are taking each other at their respective words. They are literally placing their faith in each other.

This brings me to an exciting concept that I believe will help keep the fire of love, commitment, and passion burning in any marriage. When we are born again through our profession of faith and trust in Christ as Savior and Lord, we embark on a tremendous and exciting journey of living for Christ and having our lives transformed into becoming like Christ Himself. When applied to the believer’s spiritual walk, two principles enable them to overcome the challenges we all face on our journey to Christ-likeness. The first is the reality of God’s love for us (1 John 4:17), and the second is embracing our present position and standing in Christ: that we are now the righteousness of God in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21). Once they become real to the believer and embraced by them, these two truths will empower them to abide and grow in Christ in their spiritual walk to maturity. When applied in our marriage relationship, I believe these two concepts will produce a similar result.

Love Covers It All

Let’s take the first concept, which is love. If a couple knows that they truly love each other, this will provide motivation and empowerment to overcome many obstacles. Love is manifested in giving (John 3:16)- love makes you give. The Bible also teaches that love covers a multitude of sins – love makes you forgive. Secondly is the concept of righteousness; that is, positional righteousness. To be righteous simply means to be right or to do right. If a husband and wife see each other as right for each other and toward each other, it will provide tremendous motivation and strength to be and do right by each other. Being regarded as right or righteous brings a sense of peace and rest in the relationship. Each party will strive to live up to the image and expectation of the other. It opens the door in the relationship to a myriad of attitudes and actions that will strengthen their love and commitment toward each other. Things like affection, thoughtfulness and forgiveness that are so essential to a healthy and fulfilling marriage will flow freely. For the believer, knowing that they are God’s beloved and that they now have the righteousness of Christ frees them from the feeling that they have to work and labor to receive God’s approval and acceptance. Once born again in Christ, all that is left for them to do is to “enter into the rest of Christ” (see Hebrews 4:3). This same truth can be applied to a marriage.

Rev. Kasermere Brozozog is an author, pastor, teacher, conference host and speaker, marriage and family counselor, entrepreneur, and successful businessman. He and his family own and operate the Bahamas Retreat Center, located in Westridge. Dr. Kas is married to his amazing bride, Pamela, for over thirty-five years. They are the proud parents of one daughter, Dr. Suzanna Brozozog. The couple resides in Nassau, Bahamas.

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The first lesson to be learned in a marriage is to be open to new perspectives, new ideas, and new ways of doing things. The beauty of having an open heart is the opportunity for the marriage to bloom and flourish into something admired for years to come. When you’re young and have not researched how marriages work before getting married, you never quite know what is expected until you begin the journey together. Marriage is a partnership, a place where two histories come together. It’s in this place you may feel unprepared as both individuals’ past, hopes, and future converge into the present, where they must walk their journey together as a couple. Just as everyone is different, so is each marriage. However, the beauty of the union lies in its ability to embrace each other’s differences and create a space for growth for both individuals. Despite the seemingly simple nature of this thought, it is not always easy to execute.

Having Pre-conceived Ideas For Marriage

Having said I do at the age of twenty-two, and staying with my best friend and husband for twenty-eight years has been an amazing experience. At the beginning of our journey, I had so many pre-conceived ideas about what marriage was supposed to be, and I was eager to apply many of them when I got married. It wasn’t long into our marriage that we realized that our pre-conceived ideas were just that, ideas of our own. Our expectations were not practical, and instead of working together towards a common goal, we had been sabotaging our partnership. Fortunately, we learned early on that those notions about roles and gender in marriage were an obstruction to the smooth running of our home.

For instance, women cooked in our culture, or at least in my home. So naturally, I thought the kitchen was my domain—I should be the chef. Later, when I complained that all the cooking was left to me, I realized that it was an issue I created, one that could have been avoided. You see, by bringing our own expectations into a marriage, based on our upbringing, culture, and even our fantasies, we are developing a problem that can be a burden on the partnership. It is essential to realize that pre-conceived expectations can negatively impact your behaviour and thinking patterns that prevent you from embracing your spouse’s ideas or way of doing things. This becomes a barrier to the other person’s input and thoughts. These barriers not only rob your spouse’s expression but can stunt the development of the marriage.

Is It Okay To Express My Feelings Too?

Also critical is recognizing that everyone is entitled to express their feelings. They are valid and deserve to be heard and respected. It took me some time to come to that conclusion, but it took the burden off my shoulders when I did. You can disagree with your spouse on a matter and still respect that it’s their opinion. This understanding requires maturity, but you can do it if you are sincere and keen on being a strong couple. In the past, I was inclined to dismiss new ideas and concepts as invalid because my spouse came up with them. It took us a long time to learn and understand how to use mutual respect to help build our marriage. Respect means I see you as valuable and what you have to offer is equally beneficial for me. In turn, it gives your spouse the feeling of belonging and that we are on this journey together. No one is solely responsible for the journey, but instead, we are responsible for it together. This attitude fosters a sense of appreciation and value within the relationship, ensuring that everyone has something to contribute. To learn the importance of respectful treatment of one’s ideas and thoughts, you must understand that respect does not mean agreeing with everything your spouse says or does, but rather that I respect that they are your thoughts and feelings. When mutual respect is shown to one another you are both more confident and in love and excited about building our lives together.

Your Past Can Affect Your Future

Our past can affect behaviour and ideas. I took this for granted when I started my marriage journey. It never occurred to me that my opinions, thoughts, and lack of self-confidence would weave themselves into the tapestry I had begun with my husband. I was indecisive, and my indecision would frustrate my husband to no end. He didn’t know that my lack of confidence came from my painful childhood. Making a decision was difficult because I felt I did not have much to offer; I had no chance of standing on my own. It took us time to develop a non-judgmental, non-threatening space in which we felt safe to share. This is extremely important in marriage.

Neither of us really understood until years into our marriage that showing yourself fully to someone takes patience, love, and understanding from both people. This would require us to listen and feel compassion even when we did not agree or understand why the other person did what they did. This requires putting your feelings aside, if only for a moment. This tender space we carved out has evolved into a place we treasure, our sanctuary, a place we ensure will last for a lifetime. So don’t be afraid to do the work and create your own space for you and your spouse to find solace in when life gets overwhelming and demanding.

Lack of Communication Can Cause Lack of Intimacy

There is more to communication than just talking. Your attitude and actions show exactly how you’re feeling and scream what you may be internalizing very loudly. Because I was a non-communicator, my husband spent hours probing and trying to understand what I was feeling. I was afraid to express myself, fearing I would be misunderstood. Like every marriage, we realized we needed to build a firm foundation for our relationship to work. Without communication, it is easy to become strangers living in the same house. If you do not communicate, you are probably sabotaging your relationship. By communicating with your spouse, you will see how marriage is a beautiful partnership if you are both willing to work on it. However, you must be willing to work on yourself and not constantly try to fix your mate. As the two have now become one, you will realize how much stronger you are together through the convergence of minds, thoughts, ideas, emotions, failures, and successes. The beauty of oneness creates an intimate bond, which cannot be easily destroyed.

Prophetess Sharnette Kemp is the author of Help Lord I’m Bleeding, My Encounter with Grace. She is also the co-founder & Sr. Leader of Gateway Kingdom Ministries in Lower Bogue, Eleuthera. Prophetess Kemp is married to Pastor Martin Kemp. The couple has three children.

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The old saying, “Marriage is easy to get into but difficult to get out of,” doesn’t seem to affect the speed at which couples enter and exit marriages today. The reasons why people pursue marriage have also changed over the years. Marriage vows have been edited for comfort, deleted when convenient, professed with glee, then totally ignored. For many, when problems come, the ease of tossing them in the tall weeds of life seems to be a quick way to bury their existence.

Having Reasonable Expectations

Many men marry with the expectation of having children. When discovering a wife cannot conceive after several years of not having a baby, he wonders if he chose the right mate. Notwithstanding that most of the other areas of their relationship are going quite well. Too often, the bottom line is whether or not the wife is a good “breeder.” Can she produce an heir or a grandchild to make him and his family happy? Such was the case of a young couple we’ll call Collin and Carlie, who tried to have children for seven years but were unsuccessful. Tired of his family’s badgering about his wife’s barrenness, Collin decided it was time to look for more fertile pastures. He did this despite claiming to love his wife. That pesky, “for better or worse, in sickness and in health” part of the marriage vow was no longer convenient for Collin, who later engaged in an adulterous affair resulting in a child out of wedlock.

Mike and Beth (not their real names) had a similar story. He accused his wife of being barren and left her for a woman who had already proven her fertility. Beth was heartbroken at the time but found consolation after remarrying and becoming pregnant for her new husband. Mike and Beth’s inability to have children was not what Mike thought; the problem was due to Mike’s sterility. These weighty expectations couples have of each other can easily be managed with open communication before getting married. While this might be the last thing a couple thinks they will have to deal with in their marriage, it is an unfortunate reality needing wise and gentle handling.

Some Causes of Childlessness

According to the Standford University article, “What Causes Female Infertility?” There are numerous medical reasons couples could be childless. Their issues can be from physical (such as drug use) to spiritual matters. Whatever the problem, seeking professional assistance can often correct the situation. Playing the blame game with your spouse is not helpful when both parties are distraught and perhaps already blaming themselves. Allowing interference from family members or friends who insist it is time for you to have a child has never proven to advance the situation.

There’s Always a Solution to a Problem

Many couples have proven adoption to be so rewarding that they have taken in multiple children, some even related to each other. In the absence of a biological child, adopting a child in need of love and care regardless of age is an incredibly selfless act. This could benefit the couple, the child, and society. It requires a couple whose greatest desire is to love children just as much as they would if they were biologically theirs. A few well-known people who were adopted and made a mark in the world are:

• Nelson Mandela (former President of South Africa)
• Dave Thomas (founder of Wendy’s)
• Babe Ruth (famous baseball player)
• Faith Hill (singer)
• Steve Jobs (founder of Apple Computers)
• Eartha Kit (Actress)
• Edgar Allan Poe (Poet)

The adopted child may be the very one to save a life, lead a nation, or bring joy. A friend of mine tried to have children for many years. It was emotionally painful for her not having a child after twenty years of marriage. To have friends celebrate Mother’s Day year after year and not experience the joy herself weighed her down. After many prayerful and tearful treatments and operations, she and her husband decided it was time to adopt. They believed that there were children who required love just as much as they needed to express that love. Days after bringing their adopted child home, she conceived—today, the couple has two beautiful children. The point is a problem is merely a situation that has not yet uncovered a solution. When the couple took the focus off of themselves and was willing to love a child in need, they opened themselves to receive double for their trouble.

Is Your Marriage Really Over?

Should you toss your marriage out of the window because your spouse cannot conceive? What if the shoe were on your foot? Is that how you would want to be treated? Consider all of your options before taking such drastic measures that could put you in a far worse situation. You must be willing to seek the advice of people who have wisdom in your area of concern. In the meantime, adjust how you look at the situation and treat your spouse with respect. Take the time to respectfully discuss what you both may consider the best course of action. Conflicts will come in any relationship, but it’s not the problem that is the problem; it’s how you choose to address it. Rather than chucking your marriage because you hit a bump in the road, consider holding your spouse’s hand and going through it together, for better or for worse.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

The post Can We Have Children? appeared first on Marriage & Family Enrichment.

Have you ever wondered when the bickering would end? Will you ever overcome the strife in your marriage? How can you be kind to someone who is constantly unkind to you? Are these questions that often run through your mind desperately seeking an answer? Anyone can be good to people who are kind to them, but what about a misguided spouse who is emotionally or physically abusive? You know the kind you want to have a Dathan and Abiram experience. That’s when God told Moses to stand back, ‘He’s got this’—then the earth opened up and swallowed some of the rebellious Israelites in one gulp.

Seriously though, you know that behind the sugar coating presented to the public, some spouses are just plain mean. Regardless of the good you do, it’s never enough. However, when the consequences of their actions catch up with their abuse, they are usually quick to blame everyone, including God, for allowing it to happen. Taking responsibility for their actions seems the farthest thing from their minds.

Knowing When to Speak and When Not To…

One of the biggest challenges many people have when going through trials in their marriage is knowing when to speak, how to speak, and what to say when they speak. Often hurting couples just want to bloviate. Their lengthy thoughtless dialogs are mostly triggered by raw emotions not designed to restore a situation. On the contrary, they speak words planned to inflict damage as though lashing out at their spouse lessens their pain.

There are times when your best approach is simply to be quiet, hold your tongue, and calm your nerves—even if you were wronged. You must learn to listen. Show your mate respect and ask that they do the same for you when you wish to share your perspective. Some of you are probably saying, “Not a day like it!” But if your intended outcome is for peace and restoration, you must be willing to listen and, at times, be misunderstood. Your vindication will not come from arguing to prove your point. It will come from an irrefutable power if you have entrusted your marriage to God.

How Far Should You Take It?

This is not to say that you must or should sit back and accept the abuse of someone who is consistently violating you and the sanctity of your marriage. There are times when you must fight, but if you are wise, you will learn how to fight. I’m not referring to physical or emotional violence. That doesn’t serve a purpose no matter how much you think a good wallop on the side of your mate’s head would be the cure for whatever ails them.

What many people do when they encounter challenges in their marital relationship is consult their friends or family. Usually, the ones who themselves have not maintained a healthy relationship. The ones who often hold a grudge against your spouse for the last bucket load of indiscretions you shared about them. Fortunately, those who choose to have a relationship with their Creator have a manual called the Bible, which contains the keys to maintaining a successful marriage. The best way to initially troubleshoot a marital problem is to pray and refer to your manual. If you need intervention, you should consult an authorized dealer (pastor, priest, or counselor). Someone who has a relationship with the author of your manual and successful experience with the subject. Avoid the unauthorized bush mechanics that have no knowledge or experience with your issue at all costs.

When to Put Up Your Dukes

When you are being assaulted from external sources sitting quietly or pretending the problem doesn’t exist will not help you. This is the time to put up your dukes; you know, take your stance and begin to fight. The fight that will bring victory, however, is spiritual in nature. Quite often, people going through challenges in their marriages believe that the issues will just fix themselves if they stay calm and keep quiet. More often than not, that makes a person bitter, not the problem better.

If your marriage is under attack, your fight is not with your spouse but the thing operating through your spouse to bring division. The Creator’s manual says that God has come to give you life, but the thief (the devil) has come to steal, kill and destroy your life—that includes your marriage. It’s the thief who is behind the ruckus in your relationship. Instead of you and your spouse joining forces to fight him, he usually has you turning on each other.

Does Unforgiveness Affect You in Any Way?

One of the key elements in overcoming challenges in marriage is having a forgiving heart. Letting go of the past is the best way to embrace a healthy future. To continue to recite your spouse’s weaknesses will only open the door to unforgiveness and bitterness.

What about those who have embraced an embittered life? Dr. Karen Swartz is the director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The John Hopkins Hospital. She says that chronic anger can eventually result in physical changes to the body. Studies have shown that one’s heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response cause more harm to the person harboring resentment than to the offender. In the article Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It, Dr. Swartz mentions that this mindset increases the risk of depression and other diseases including diabetes. On the flip side, Dr. Swartz noted that forgiveness calmed stress levels and caused an improvement in health.

So what’s the balance? Is it ever beneficial to harbor resentment or embrace unforgiveness? As Dr. Swartz alluded, unforgiveness does more harm to the one holding the bitterness than the one to whom it is directed.

Considerations for the Way Ahead

When challenges arise, which they will, perhaps you should consider what’s essential to revive your marriage. Be honest with yourself as you ponder the following questions:

• Is your ego more important than your relationship?
• Do you have to be right to be happy?
• Are you willing to work through the conflict issues in your marriage?
• Can you commit to treating your spouse with respect?
• Will you join your mate to find sustainable solutions to your problems?
• Can you embrace the good in your spouse rather than the things that annoy you?
• Are you prepared to speak highly of your spouse instead of backbiting them?
• Are you willing to stand together and fight for your relationship and not against each other?

If so, then the light you see at the end of the tunnel may not be a train after all.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

The post Can You Overcome Strife In Your Marriage? appeared first on Marriage & Family Enrichment.

Being a lady is much more than having a series of female body parts. Like beauty, it goes deeper than the surface of your skin. It’s a part of you that unapologetically embraces your value and invites others to do the same. The Collins Dictionary says that when you suggest a woman is a lady, you mean that she behaves in a polite, dignified, and graceful way. Being treated like a lady is not about making demands of every male you encounter to treat you like a princess. It is more about conducting yourself in a manner where you are celebrated and not tolerated; respectfully embraced and not effaced. In other words, being treated like a lady is something you command by enlightened behavior, not by demanding with aggression.

Do Women Still Want To Be Admired & Respected?

In an age where chivalry seems to be dying, many women still want to be treated like a lady. But do we conduct ourselves as ladies, or is it just something we feel we are entitled to as females? Women, in general, want to be admired, respected, cherished and cared for. Of course, some believe that chivalry died with the knights of the round table, but that’s not so. For a female to be a lady is a matter of choice; a decision. For someone to treat her as one is also a decision, generally based on how a woman carries herself and how a man is brought up.

The fact is, even tough women want to be treated with dignity. Their mouths may be hard and their countenance severe, but when consistently treated like the precious jewel that they are, you will undoubtedly see that icy surface melt. Some women say that they don’t need a man to open the door for them as though that is the full extent of being a lady.

So What Does Being A Lady Look Like?

Here are a few characteristics. A lady is a woman of substance, who:

• Treats herself with respect
• Avoids vulgar communication
• Sees herself as a person of value
• Is not promiscuous
• Knows her true identity
• Is tough-minded yet, tenderhearted
• Is polite and has poise
• Gives proper attention to her hygiene and grooming
• Dresses with dignity
• Surrounds herself with people who celebrate her
• Is particular about the environments she visits
• Builds people and communities

Of Great Value

Before anyone can treat you like a lady, you must first become a lady. If something is not valued, it is usually not given much attention; without attention, there is decay. You are valued and of great value. Start by seeing yourself through the eyes of the Creator. Ask him to show you how and begin to give yourself the attention you need to refine yourself.

While you may have an aha moment overnight, becoming a lady is a lifestyle that will require you to renew your thinking. Like tossing old thoughts and habits to replace them with acceptable behavior that will help to propel you in the right area. Queen Esther went through a time of purification before she could spend time with the King. It was a time of training that went beyond beauty treatments. It wasn’t a one-shot deal to impress the King. It was a regimen that was meant to equip her for a lifestyle of living as a regal lady.

Take Small Steps

You may not have the budget afforded Queen Esther, but you can begin your journey to becoming a lady with small steps. Start by being polite; being gracious is an attribute that society is in great need of. Do you walk like the incredible hulk with a scowl on your face? Consider walking with your legs closer together, using smaller steps and a pleasant smile. Walk with purpose, shoulders back and chin up; it shows confidence and strength.

Be gracious—even when you don’t feel like it. Loud, raucous conversations in public with a beer bottle in hand, and your northern extremities pouring from your blouse paints a negative image of you. Control what you say and how you say it—speak clearly so you could be understood. Real ladies use clean language to express themselves and not bar-room broth.

Changing Your Thinking Will Change Your Behavior

Read empowering books to improve your communication and behavior. A good etiquette book can teach you good manners, show you how to eat and which utensils to use when dining as well as why you shouldn’t talk with food in your mouth. By reading, you can learn what polite conversation looks like; how to sit and other considerations relating to a lady’s deportment.

Your not being groomed as a lady during childhood is no reason to remain in that state. Presenting yourself as a lady does more than impact how you regard yourself. However, in addition to feeling better about yourself, you are more inclined to receive the respect you deserve. Now, if the people in your circle don’t treat ladies with respect, then maybe it’s time to step out of your circle and into a better one.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

The post Can You Treat Me Like A Lady? appeared first on Marriage & Family Enrichment.

Cameron and Jenny’s marriage was once the talk of the town, and they looked like the happiest couple in the land as they walked hand in hand in public. A week barely passed when one of them would post a smiling picture of themselves with private messages for public display in their favorite social media hangout. But behind the façade was a loneliness Jenny felt was beginning to consume her. Cameron filled his boredom with the marriage by hanging out with his friends. He knew it was important for Jenny to profile her success in public, so he went along with it, agreeing to wear matching clothes and posing for the smiling selfies.

As Stale As Old Bread

Have you ever pulled a slice of stale bread from the bag and just could not bring yourself to eat it? That once delicious baker’s delight that used to tantalize your taste buds is no longer appealing. In fact, you were so bored with it you left it on the counter to dry up.

That’s how some marriages are—untouched, dry, and unappealing; just left to the side. Your marriage doesn’t have to be like that. Like old bread, your relationship becomes stale when it’s taken for granted. As former directors’ of a local marriage ministry, it was not unusual to hear some wives complain of their boredom in marriage. Being overlooked drove a wedge between them and their husbands, and complaining about it made an even deeper wedge.

Men were also claiming boredom with their relationships. Those with young families often complained that their wives did not give them the attention they had become accustomed to before having children. Their relationship had become more about kids and careers than about themselves. As time passed, they continued to drift in separate directions. Some admitted to going places to fill the void, like clubs, and often found themselves knee-deep in relationships that had become difficult to exit.

Barna Statistics

According to the Barna Group’s 2008 survey of marriages and divorces in America, four out of every five adults (78%) have been married at least once. The study revealed an even higher proportion of born-again Christians (84%) marry. Although there were many variants to their findings, it was determined that divorce among Christians was practically the same rate as non-Christians, with African Americans being the highest in the divorce category.

Bridging The Gap

One of the main areas of concern for most couples was the lack of healthy communication. Women who are generally chatty by nature wanted to talk, to share their day with their husbands. Men wanted quiet; by the time they came home from work, their total allotment of words for the day was used up. The only thing left in their bag of vocabulary were grunts and other unidentifiable sounds. For them to rehash their day was about as thrilling as sitting in a dentist’s chair for a tooth extraction. Hearing about her day before unwinding was even more painful. Cameron found himself making a beeline for his bed or the television to escape Jenny’s chatter. He explained that he needed time to unwind and preferred to do it at home if she would just allow him to catch himself. Then, he would be better positioned to have a conversation with her. Jenny didn’t understand, so he began staying out later.

Are You Ready To Take Your Relationship to a Higher Level?

As a married couple, balance is vital. While each needs private time, it is just as needful to have a ‘together time’. Not just for a sexual encounter but for building intimacy with each other. Contrary to popular opinion, intimacy begins with conversations and random acts of kindness, not a roll in the sack. The good news about rebuilding your relationship is that you don’t have to do everything at once or expect an overnight turnaround to habits that took years to develop.

Simple Steps to Making Big Improvements

Punishing your spouse by being unkind will not bring satisfaction in marriage. Instead, try the steps below:

• Explore the purpose of marriage—the creator of a thing knows the purpose for which it was created.
• Discover how effective marriages thrive—so many people spend years studying for their careers but won’t invest the time or resources needed to build a happy marriage.
• Give your spouse the personal time they need.
• Develop the habit of patiently listening to your wife.
• Treat your spouse with love and respect—adjust your attitude to one that honors your mate.
• Take time to develop your friendship and get to know your spouse again.
• Prioritize your relationships—some friendships could be destroying your marriage.
• Keep your private life private—there’s no need to impress outsiders.

Just The Two Of You

Despite your busyness, it is essential to stop the running. At least once a week, reset and reconnect with your spouse by spending quality time together. Choosing to bypass a routine activity to spend time with your spouse shows how much you care for them. The first thing many couples say is they don’t have the funds to do anything together. Finances are an issue, so they stay home. Some of the poorest people in the world have the richest relationships. That’s because their focus is on people and not things.

So, how about taking a scenic evening walk or sitting on the back porch to watch the sun go down. Do something that you can connect with; practice eye contact as well as open displays of affection such as holding hands. Speak positively to each other, avoid negative remarks and criticisms. Share your heart, tell a joke, get a good belly laugh; cultivate your friendship again without your cell phone in hand.

Rebuilding your relationship doesn’t take much. Make an effort to rid yourself of a dry marriage once and for all while you embrace a robust one that satisfies you both.

Teri M. Bethel is the author of My Marriage Matters- Simple Keys to Enriching & Restoring Your Marriage. Available in Nassau, Bahamas at Logos Bookstore and Nassau Stationers. Also available in Governor’s Harbour Eleuthera at Office General and North Eleuthera at the North Eleuthera Snack and Craft Place.

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Many women ask the question, “what’s the big deal with honoring your husband?” For most men, honor and respect are huge elements in their relationship with women, and it’s usually the top consideration with sex coming in at a close second place. Sadly, both are the most intentionally withheld elements—even in so-called Christian marriages. Many marital challenges couples experience today are rooted in a lack of honor and respect.

Most women want a great marriage; they want a dreamy storybook romance. Instead, they feel saddled with a nightmare that continues even after waking up. One, I might add, that some helped to create with their mouths. Although many wives are remorseful when they let their mouths run away with them, they still have difficulty accepting responsibility for their actions. Instead of making excuses and casting blame, perhaps a better posture would be to own up to your mistakes. Did you know that much of your problems can be fixed just by putting a guard over your mouth? It really can pave the way for a healthier relationship.

I Can’t Help It!

A lady owned up about her mouth getting the best of her when she spoke to her husband. She admitted using her tongue like a knife to cut him to shreds. He could do no right. She would not tell him if he did good or looked great lest he became full of pride, yet she wanted him to affirm her. She wanted him to come home after work to spend time with her and the kids. When he did, she complained about everything he said and did.

Although she hated undermining him, she said, “I can’t help it!” Almost every day, she admitted to emasculating him in front of the children. Every night he went to bed feeling broken, assaulted, and worthless. Instead of going home to Madam Cranky, he began staying out with a lady who he felt treated him with dignity.

What Does Honor Look Like?

So ladies, what does honoring your husband look like? It means you lift up your man. Sure he has some chinks in his armor but guess what? So do you. Instead of focusing on the chinks, why not focus on his positives; they were not so difficult to see before you got married. Revisit how you speak to him; emasculation is not an option in a healthy relationship regardless of what the issues are. You need to take how you treat your mate up a notch. Mike Murdoch says it this way: “Speak to the king in your man, and not the fool.” You see, whomever you address will rise to the fore.

Another lady complained that her husband had lost interest in their intimate time. She claimed she had to be the one who always pursued him. In talking with him, he explained that he would prefer to remain celibate than to lay with his disrespectful wife. Within ten minutes of being in their presence, I understood his point. Her belittling was overwhelming.

Should Men Honor Their Wives?

Honor applies to women, too, so you gentlemen don’t get away so quickly. Men can take honor and respect for their wives up a notch also. Far too many women complain about how their husbands speak to them privately and in public. How does it benefit you to pull down God’s gift to you? If you want her to treat you like the king of your home, shouldn’t you be treating her like your queen?

Husbands, honor and respect your wives. If you treat her with tenderness and respect, those old hardened areas will soften in time. But if you are abrasive, you are only creating more callouses, and the cycle will continue.

I’ve heard several men boast in their wife’s presence how they elevated her from the gutter to prominence with him. That’s not honor. That’s demeaning, humiliating, and unkind. Where a person comes from or what they have, does not define who they are. Life is a journey, one which has hills and valleys. Just because you were on a hill when you met does not make you a better person than someone from the valley.

An Apology is In Order

As a matter of fact, the Bible says that the two have become one, so whatever she is, that is what you are. What did you call her again? Well, an apology is never too late for dishonoring your spouse. If you are sincere, it can create a good foundation to rebuild your relationship.

You may be the breadwinner, a bigger, stronger, domineering man, but that does not make you the boss. You are your wife’s husband, lover, head of the home, and priest of the family. Lead her with firm but gentle respect. Don’t you know that you hurt yourself when you hurt your wife? Do you really want to get stuck in an “I’m good enough” rut? Your spouse may disagree with your point of view on the matter.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children. In addition to being sold on Amazon, their books can be purchased in Nassau, Bahamas at Logos Bookstore, Nassau Stationers, & Doongalik Studios and in Eleuthera at Office General and the North Eleuthera Craft & Snack Place.

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It’s quite natural to have differing opinions. After all, no two people are alike. Now, when they come together, you can imagine that there will be differences of opinion. Those differences often lead to arguments. But they don’t have to. We act the way we do because of the information we’ve received. Our actions generally shift when there is a change of information.

Have you noticed that some adults have double standards when it comes to arguing? It’s acceptable behavior for them but wrong for their children, who are not only told not to argue but punished if they do. Instead, they are encouraged to work their issues out amicably. Many have heard their parents say, “don’t do what I do, do what I tell you to do!”

Kids, however, learn to resolve conflicts just as they see the adults doing. So, they raise their voices in anger, spew harsh words, have temper tantrums, and wield objects without restraint. The cycle then continues into adulthood, which affects marriages and other relationships.

Love Shouldn’t Hurt

Pretty often, it’s not the problem that’s the problem, but how you choose to address the issue that makes the difference. Some couples claim to have a short fuse or that they’re passionate. They raise their voices and flail their arms when communicating. Non-confrontational spouses take the abuse quietly while nursing their heartache from their overbearing partner.

Other couples claim that fighting fair is important as though their relationship is an authorized wrestling match. Did you know it’s possible not to fight or argue at all? In fact, disagreements do not have to turn into arguments. Both people involved in the relationship have a right to express their opinions without being bullied. In any event, having ground rules for your disagreements before they happen would be helpful. That way, you are less likely to do and say things to your spouse that would leave emotional dents.

No Big Rocks!

It’s not like when you were kids, and you had a rock war with your neighbors. Remember, you would set the terms of engagement like this: “Okay, no big rocks!” But on the way back across the street to tell your team how the negotiations went, you got whacked with a big rock. For your marriage or any other relationship to survive, you’ve got to have standards. Set communication guidelines and stick with it regardless of how high your passion rises. Call it establishing healthy rules of engagement.

Remember, everyone is entitled to an opinion. A wise man once said that opinions are like noses; most have at least two holes. Take the time to listen to your spouse before putting forth your point of view. Perhaps there would be less agitation if there was twice as much listening as there was talking. While you’re at it, practice good body language. Being two inches from your spouse’s face with a finger on the verge of entering their nostril is disrespectful and does not provide an atmosphere for a friendly conversation.

Can Public Shaming Help Your Situation?

When you honor your spouse, that honor is not just when you feel like it; it should be constant. When you become annoyed, defuse that anger before it spirals out of control. It may require walking away from the conversation in a polite manner before you can speak calmly. This way, you can navigate sensitive issues with a clear head and a respectful disposition.

Whether intentional or not, some couples wield their rocks in a public forum; they do so at family events, church, on social media, or in-office chatter, hoping to shame or discredit their spouse. However, this public shaming says more about the character deficiency of the exposer than the exposed.

Keep Private Disagreements Private

If you have children, how does this play out for them—are you by your example conditioning your children to be disrespectful to you and your mate, or their mates? Are you burdening them with too much information by drawing them into conversations that should be kept behind closed doors? Could your behavior be what is affecting your children’s behavior at school or in their relationships?

As adults, our behavior has a trickle-down effect that affects all levels of society. What we are behind closed doors will somehow show up despite all efforts to suppress them. We can sugar-coat our deficiencies or look them squarely in the eyes and address them. No one has it all together, so fixing an area in our lives should be considered a routine course of action, not a judgmental slap in the face. That’s just one way to begin to stem the flow of abuse in our relationships.

But I’m Not Patient!

I’ve heard some people say, “But I’m not patient!” Yet they claim to love their spouse. Well, which one is it? Are you impatient, or do you love them? You see, the Bible tells us that “love is patient”. So rather than letting a pesky little devil get between the two of you, why not learn how to stand together as one and drive it away from both of you. That way, you can focus on having the best relationship yet. One that is free from constant bickering—one that causes you to build each other up rather than breaking yourselves down. You can learn to communicate lovingly if you really want to. Don’t you think it’s about time you begin to celebrate each other in this way?

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

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Humility is often thought of as a weakness or something with little value, and apologizing to a spouse, is even worse. Many people would agree that the average apology has lost its luster. The “I’m sorry” statement has become more of an “Okay, I hear you, but get over it!” reflex. A general remark to put an end to the conversation. For some, there’s really no sense of remorse, repentance, or even the slightest desire to correct the issue. On the other hand, the pride of the offender serves as a gaseous balloon that internally puffs one up with a false sense of rightness despite the apparent injury the behavior has caused.

The Warped Moral Compass

Merriam-Webster defines apology as an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret. The spirit of a sincere apology comes with remorse and a desire to make things right, unlike Stan (not his real name), who was caught in an uncompromising situation by his wife, Lottie (not her real name). Lottie worked late for several weeks and decided to wrap up her work early to spend time with her husband. She hoped to surprise Stan, which she did. Unfortunately, she was surprised too—and so was the lady who had made herself comfortable in their bed. Stan said he was sorry, and he was. He was sorry that he had gotten caught, but there was no change in his behavior. This man had no remorse—another word defined by Merriam-Webster as a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs.

Lest you think that it is a male thing to be void of decency in a marriage, a 2018 article entitled, Who Cheats More? The Demographics of Infidelity in America by Wendy Wang revealed enlightening data from a General Social Survey. The report indicated that 20% of men and 13% of women surveyed reported that they’ve had sex with someone other than their spouse while married.

Kimberly’s, (not her real name) adulterous behavior was discovered by her husband almost ten years into their marriage. Instead of recommitting to her marriage, she opted to continue in her extramarital indiscretions with her single friends at the financial and emotional expense of her husband and their children. She did her utmost to destroy the one person who believed in and provided for her. Sadly, Kimberly, like Stan, had a warped moral compass that catered to their feelings rather than their marital vows.

What Real Repentance Looks Like

John was caught by his wife in a similar situation. His actions after he was found out were a little different than Stan and Kimberly’s. He realized that he had a problem and was sorry that he hurt his wife; he apologized then went for counseling to get his life together and restore his marriage. The Christian counselor posed several questions to John with a view of getting to the root of his dilemma.

His wife knew about this incident, but not the others he confessed to. He had a problem, the counselor noted that ran through his family. His grandfather, father, uncles, and brothers had the same problem. They were all chronic philanderers—serial womanizers of the highest order. John mistakenly thought marriage would cure his promiscuity. Now that his back was against the wall, he used this opportunity to get the help he needed to put his life on the right track. He decided that he was unwilling to throw away his relationship with his wife or destroy the family they had raised together.

Infidelity Survey

Last year a survey of just under 200 people was taken by Trustify.com, which revealed some tell-tale signs that there were weak points in their marriages. According to the study of persons who admitted to infidelity:

• 55% of male respondents cheated on their spouse with five or more people
• 50% of the female respondents admitted to cheating with one person
• 32% of the men met the person they cheated with online (either through social media or a dating service)
• 22% of the women met the person they cheated within some sort of social setting (bar, party) or had a previous romantic connection to that person
• 23% of the men said the leading cause of the affair was due to a lack of sexual satisfaction
• 28% of the women said the cause of the affair was due to a lack of emotional satisfaction

Even though most of the couples remained together after the affair it was interesting to note that their view about the health of their relationship varied considerably. Of the men engaged in an affair, 60% said they were on good terms with their wives; similarly, 40% of the wives claimed that they were not on good terms with their husbands.

How Do You Navigate Out of This Messy Infidelity Situation?

Firstly, you must be willing to acknowledge that there is a problem. Covering a rotten table with a beautiful cloth does not strengthen the table. Like a broken marriage, a rotten table will eventually crumble if not fortified. Sometimes people willfully do dastardly deeds, others fall prey to them. The challenge is not just doing the act, rather the willingness of both parties to participate in rebuilding trust and mutual respect for the restoration of the marriage.

This restoration requires remorse and repentance. The act of repentance is to have a change of heart and mind; to turn away from the offense. It’s a step further than just being sorry for how you feel about what you did, rather than being sorry for what you did. Unfortunately, infidelity is prevalent in all levels of society, including the church. God, the designer of marriage and family, does not endorse adultery. Still, he does recommend wholeness and healthy families—simply because he loves us too much to let us stay the way we are when he has a better option.

So what is it that you are sorry about and now need to take it to the level of repentance? You can turn away from the fault to receive full restoration. God’s arms are open wide to you. If you feel a tug in your heart, it’s not one of condemnation but of conviction. It’s time to make that turn to be a willing participant in building a healthy marriage and family.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

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