Matthew 18 “At that time the disciples came to Jesus saying, “who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a child, had him stand among them and said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn around and become like this little child you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever then humbles himself like this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a child like this in my name welcomes me.”

Jesus highlighted the humility of a child as a prerequisite to being great in the kingdom of heaven, he also said that to welcome a child is to welcome him. We can clearly see that children are very important people in the eyes of Jesus. To have the responsibility to teach the love and gospel of Jesus to these little ones is a privilege and a calling. Let’s approach it with purpose.

Be Real

Children can spot a ‘fake’ from afar. Be your authentic self, unless, of course, you are playacting in an exaggerated character to make a point. Children are generally accepting of everybody. They ask honest questions innocently and tend to answer just as honestly.

Be Present

It is so easy to be present physically but absent in mind. Distractions are very real, and sometimes our busyness or multitasking can translate to children that we do not want to connect with them. I have caught myself in the process of preparation for the set activities when a child needs me to stop and listen to them. When realizing this, I had to mentally stop myself and intentionally pay attention. Look the child in the eyes, get down to their height level and really hear them.

Be Engaged

Engaging takes the ‘hearing’ the children to the next level of active listening. For some children, words tumble out in constant streams; as for others, you will need to offer prompts or leading questions or even share in an activity to help them express themselves or share their concerns.

Be Prepared

To be prepared for the time with children requires planning before the event. Because children are often in a state of readiness – a lack of preparedness in the adult can easily end in chaos as the children will resort to what comes very naturally, play.

Be Jesus

Most important of all, love them like Jesus loves us. Jesus teaches us to love God with all our hearts, minds, and strengths and love others like we love ourselves. For us as leaders, we must first love God, go to God in prayer before going before these precious ones. Ask Holy Spirit to show us how to love each one as Jesus loves them, unconditionally. If Jesus called forth a child and proclaimed that a child is the epitome of greatness in God’s kingdom, then we had better take heed.

A mother of three adult children, Lisa Bastian is a devoted children’s lay minister who serves in her church as well as a local girl’s club. She is passionate about imparting biblical principles to youth to equip them for successful living. Lisa enjoys writing and baking and lives in the Bahamas with her husband Antoine.

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Of all the crazy goals we can come up with, I have never heard of anyone planning to become a substance abuser. If you were to chat with someone who has recognized that they do have an addiction to drugs or alcohol, they would probably tell you that their consumption was initially because of peer pressure and later to fill an emotional or spiritual void.

Some may even recognize that alcohol and drug use was an unfortunate strain in their family, something that has affected their people for generations. In some cases, however, it was a case of a dependency on a legitimately prescribed pain medication. The users eased into it and somehow found themselves stuck—like the frog in the pot scenario. It is said that if you were to toss a frog in a pot of hot water, it would attempt to jump out, but if you took the same frog and placed him in a pan with colder water, over gradual heat, there is no cause for alarm, so it gets cooked.

How Addiction Affects Relationships

Many substance abusers are in denial. They simply refuse to acknowledge that they have a dependency on their drug of choice. Others quibble with the definition of alcoholism or drug addiction, claiming that they are users because they enjoy the substance. It is something they say can be stopped at any time.

Despite the fact that the spouse of a substance abuser claims that life with an abuser is horrific, it is fair to say that living with a sober spouse can also have its share of challenges. The usual complaint being the sober spouse is overbearing, controlling, judgemental, and unkind. This is a gripe when the addicted spouse believes the sober spouse has played a part in driving them to drink in some way. Though this may not be factual, it is a perception they have embraced as their reality.

When Do You Intervene?

Even though patience is essential in the best of relationships, a more considerable amount is necessary when living with a spouse or someone suffering from addictions. Living with an addict requires inner strength, wisdom, and boundless love. While the addict cries, “if you love me, you’ll let me,” the sober spouse cries, “because I love you, I won’t let you.” The two then become at odds with each other.

It is necessary for the sober spouse to understand that it is not possible to ultimately help someone who does not recognize that there is a problem in the first instance or someone who does not want to be helped. When there is a sincere indication that assistance is required, then the sober spouse should have an actionable plan ready to assist with minimal effort.

Casual Drinker or Addict

Not all drinkers have the same tolerance levels. Some may claim intoxication after two servings of alcohol when others may claim to feel a buzz after six. The tolerance level is not an indication of whether a person has a dependence on the substance.

CAGED is a questionnaire sometimes used by professional therapists when screening people 18 and over, to determine whether or not they have a drinking problem. The designers of this system say that having two or more answers in the affirmative is an indication that there is indeed a problem:

1. Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your drinking?
2. Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking?
4. Have you ever felt you needed a drink first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?

General Indications of Drug Use

Drug users have some similar indicators as an alcoholic, but there are some slight nuances for general use detection such as:

• Not wearing clean or well-presented clothing
• Poor grooming and personal hygiene
• Decreased attention span
• A change in rest and sleeping patterns
• Higher levels of agitation
• A change in personal values

Drug users tend to have hallucinogenic encounters; their moods spiral from highs to lows with deep depression courting their every move. More specific indicators are bloodshot eyes for marijuana users. Opiates like narcotic painkillers and heroin generally cause the pupils to shrink, and cocaine, ecstasy, and LSD causes the pupils to expand.

Indicators for Alcohol Disorders

Alcohol.org sets the following areas as indicators for someone with a drinking disorder. Anyone experiencing any two of the items listed below within a 12 month period can likely be diagnosed as an alcoholic:

• Using alcohol in higher amounts or for a longer time than originally intended.
• Being unable to cut down on alcohol use despite a desire to do so.
• Spending a lot of time obtaining, using, and recovering from the effects of alcohol.
• Cravings, or a strong desire to use alcohol.
• Being unable to fulfill major obligations at home, work, or school because of alcohol use.
• Continuing to abuse alcohol despite negative interpersonal or social problems that are likely due to alcohol use.
• Giving up previously enjoyed social, occupational, or recreational activities because of alcohol use.
• Using alcohol in physically dangerous situations (such as driving or operating machinery).
• Continuing to abuse alcohol despite the presence of a psychological or physical problem that is probably due to alcohol use.
• Having a tolerance (i.e. needing to drink increasingly large or more frequent amounts of alcohol to achieve the desired effect).
• Developing symptoms of withdrawal when efforts are made to stop using alcohol.

The important take away for you, whether you are a substance abuser or someone living with or married to a substance abuser is, they are all human beings who need help, hope, and love, not a judgment from you. Even though boundaries should be established to respect your home, living life as an abuser is imprisonment of its own sort. Nevertheless, you should avoid being an enabler, and you must learn to walk away or not answer every attack if you wish to deescalate a problem. Focus on your mental, physical, and spiritual help if you are going to survive this storm. Consider getting professional advice, whether or not the addicted spouse cares to seek help.  Remember that the choice to live is a gift each person must accept for themselves.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.

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I would like to begin by saying that marriage is God’s idea. Those who obey His word and faithfully follow His advice and leading on this matter will be blessed on this wonderful journey. Chief among all that the Bible teaches about marriage is the importance and benefit of keeping Jesus amid your marriage. Colossians 1:16 says, “He (Christ) holds all things together.” Jesus loves being in the midst, and He will hold your marriage together. He will hold your love for and commitment to each other together. And He will also keep your children and family life together.

When The Two Become One

Marriage is joining two lives to become one in love, unity, and purpose. In the reality of marriage, one does not die to one’s distinctiveness but to one’s selfishness. Marriage is not just a mere commitment, but at its heart, it is sacrifice. It is also a faith walk. When a man and a woman make their wedding vows, they are paying each other the highest compliment because they are taking each other at their respective words. They are literally placing their faith in each other.

This brings me to an exciting concept that I believe will help keep the fire of love, commitment, and passion burning in any marriage. When we are born again through our profession of faith and trust in Christ as Savior and Lord, we embark on a tremendous and exciting journey of living for Christ and having our lives transformed into becoming like Christ Himself. When applied to the believer’s spiritual walk, two principles enable them to overcome the challenges we all face on our journey to Christ-likeness. The first is the reality of God’s love for us (1 John 4:17), and the second is embracing our present position and standing in Christ: that we are now the righteousness of God in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21). Once they become real to the believer and embraced by them, these two truths will empower them to abide and grow in Christ in their spiritual walk to maturity. When applied in our marriage relationship, I believe these two concepts will produce a similar result.

Love Covers It All

Let’s take the first concept, which is love. If a couple knows that they truly love each other, this will provide motivation and empowerment to overcome many obstacles. Love is manifested in giving (John 3:16)- love makes you give. The Bible also teaches that love covers a multitude of sins – love makes you forgive. Secondly is the concept of righteousness; that is, positional righteousness. To be righteous simply means to be right or to do right. If a husband and wife see each other as right for each other and toward each other, it will provide tremendous motivation and strength to be and do right by each other. Being regarded as right or righteous brings a sense of peace and rest in the relationship. Each party will strive to live up to the image and expectation of the other. It opens the door in the relationship to a myriad of attitudes and actions that will strengthen their love and commitment toward each other. Things like affection, thoughtfulness and forgiveness that are so essential to a healthy and fulfilling marriage will flow freely. For the believer, knowing that they are God’s beloved and that they now have the righteousness of Christ frees them from the feeling that they have to work and labor to receive God’s approval and acceptance. Once born again in Christ, all that is left for them to do is to “enter into the rest of Christ” (see Hebrews 4:3). This same truth can be applied to a marriage.

Rev. Kasermere Brozozog is an author, pastor, teacher, conference host and speaker, marriage and family counselor, entrepreneur, and successful businessman. He and his family own and operate the Bahamas Retreat Center, located in Westridge. Dr. Kas is married to his amazing bride, Pamela, for over thirty-five years. They are the proud parents of one daughter, Dr. Suzanna Brozozog. The couple resides in Nassau, Bahamas.

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The first lesson to be learned in a marriage is to be open to new perspectives, new ideas, and new ways of doing things. The beauty of having an open heart is the opportunity for the marriage to bloom and flourish into something admired for years to come. When you’re young and have not researched how marriages work before getting married, you never quite know what is expected until you begin the journey together. Marriage is a partnership, a place where two histories come together. It’s in this place you may feel unprepared as both individuals’ past, hopes, and future converge into the present, where they must walk their journey together as a couple. Just as everyone is different, so is each marriage. However, the beauty of the union lies in its ability to embrace each other’s differences and create a space for growth for both individuals. Despite the seemingly simple nature of this thought, it is not always easy to execute.

Having Pre-conceived Ideas For Marriage

Having said I do at the age of twenty-two, and staying with my best friend and husband for twenty-eight years has been an amazing experience. At the beginning of our journey, I had so many pre-conceived ideas about what marriage was supposed to be, and I was eager to apply many of them when I got married. It wasn’t long into our marriage that we realized that our pre-conceived ideas were just that, ideas of our own. Our expectations were not practical, and instead of working together towards a common goal, we had been sabotaging our partnership. Fortunately, we learned early on that those notions about roles and gender in marriage were an obstruction to the smooth running of our home.

For instance, women cooked in our culture, or at least in my home. So naturally, I thought the kitchen was my domain—I should be the chef. Later, when I complained that all the cooking was left to me, I realized that it was an issue I created, one that could have been avoided. You see, by bringing our own expectations into a marriage, based on our upbringing, culture, and even our fantasies, we are developing a problem that can be a burden on the partnership. It is essential to realize that pre-conceived expectations can negatively impact your behaviour and thinking patterns that prevent you from embracing your spouse’s ideas or way of doing things. This becomes a barrier to the other person’s input and thoughts. These barriers not only rob your spouse’s expression but can stunt the development of the marriage.

Is It Okay To Express My Feelings Too?

Also critical is recognizing that everyone is entitled to express their feelings. They are valid and deserve to be heard and respected. It took me some time to come to that conclusion, but it took the burden off my shoulders when I did. You can disagree with your spouse on a matter and still respect that it’s their opinion. This understanding requires maturity, but you can do it if you are sincere and keen on being a strong couple. In the past, I was inclined to dismiss new ideas and concepts as invalid because my spouse came up with them. It took us a long time to learn and understand how to use mutual respect to help build our marriage. Respect means I see you as valuable and what you have to offer is equally beneficial for me. In turn, it gives your spouse the feeling of belonging and that we are on this journey together. No one is solely responsible for the journey, but instead, we are responsible for it together. This attitude fosters a sense of appreciation and value within the relationship, ensuring that everyone has something to contribute. To learn the importance of respectful treatment of one’s ideas and thoughts, you must understand that respect does not mean agreeing with everything your spouse says or does, but rather that I respect that they are your thoughts and feelings. When mutual respect is shown to one another you are both more confident and in love and excited about building our lives together.

Your Past Can Affect Your Future

Our past can affect behaviour and ideas. I took this for granted when I started my marriage journey. It never occurred to me that my opinions, thoughts, and lack of self-confidence would weave themselves into the tapestry I had begun with my husband. I was indecisive, and my indecision would frustrate my husband to no end. He didn’t know that my lack of confidence came from my painful childhood. Making a decision was difficult because I felt I did not have much to offer; I had no chance of standing on my own. It took us time to develop a non-judgmental, non-threatening space in which we felt safe to share. This is extremely important in marriage.

Neither of us really understood until years into our marriage that showing yourself fully to someone takes patience, love, and understanding from both people. This would require us to listen and feel compassion even when we did not agree or understand why the other person did what they did. This requires putting your feelings aside, if only for a moment. This tender space we carved out has evolved into a place we treasure, our sanctuary, a place we ensure will last for a lifetime. So don’t be afraid to do the work and create your own space for you and your spouse to find solace in when life gets overwhelming and demanding.

Lack of Communication Can Cause Lack of Intimacy

There is more to communication than just talking. Your attitude and actions show exactly how you’re feeling and scream what you may be internalizing very loudly. Because I was a non-communicator, my husband spent hours probing and trying to understand what I was feeling. I was afraid to express myself, fearing I would be misunderstood. Like every marriage, we realized we needed to build a firm foundation for our relationship to work. Without communication, it is easy to become strangers living in the same house. If you do not communicate, you are probably sabotaging your relationship. By communicating with your spouse, you will see how marriage is a beautiful partnership if you are both willing to work on it. However, you must be willing to work on yourself and not constantly try to fix your mate. As the two have now become one, you will realize how much stronger you are together through the convergence of minds, thoughts, ideas, emotions, failures, and successes. The beauty of oneness creates an intimate bond, which cannot be easily destroyed.

Prophetess Sharnette Kemp is the author of Help Lord I’m Bleeding, My Encounter with Grace. She is also the co-founder & Sr. Leader of Gateway Kingdom Ministries in Lower Bogue, Eleuthera. Prophetess Kemp is married to Pastor Martin Kemp. The couple has three children.

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