Choosing The Right Spouse

Teri M. Bethel

Picking a spouse is not the same as choosing a peach. Chances are, if you don’t have the correct information to determine what a great spouse looks like, you just may end up with a wrinkled prune. Prunes serve a purpose, but they can send you running to the hills for relief, so you may want to have them in moderation. Many people, especially in large societies, resort to online dating sites. Some folks are happy with it; others are not. Stories are often told of people who post profile pictures of their younger, smaller, and more glamorous selves to attract the partner of their dreams.

Back in my great grandfather’s day, there was no online dating. In fact, after his wife died tragically in Inagua, where they lived, he realized he needed another wife to help him raise their two sons. Great granddad opted for a mail-order bride from England; he selected a beautiful creamy-skinned young lady from a catalog and paid the fee. She was sent months later on the next boat smoking to the islands. Unfortunately, a switch-up of ladies before departure resulted in her unattractive sister being sent in her place. When Jacob was tricked and given the wrong woman as a bride, he bit his lip and worked until he could pay the bride price for Rachel, the lady he truly wanted. Great granddad, unfortunately, didn’t have that option. Though the song had not yet been penned, I imagine her stepping off the boat singing, “Signed, sealed, delivered, Baby, I’m yours!” It was a long journey, and sending the less than attractive lady back was not an option.

On the other hand, great-granddad, a tall, distinguished businessman and a catechist in the Anglican church, was known to be a God-fearing man, so rather than cuss and carry on, I imagine that he bowed his head and asked Jesus to take the wheel. He eventually got over his shock and disappointment. Whether you choose a possible mate from some online site or shopping among your local pickins’, you should brace yourself. Surprises are inevitable. Still, you should have some idea of what you are looking for. Or at minimum, when you should run for the hills.

Fathers Can Smell A Rat

Some young ladies learn quickly, even though the messenger can be a little bumpy in their delivery at times. Nadia learned how to spot a huckster from her dad. At 35, she was just getting into serious dating after focusing on her career goals and building her duplex townhouse in a good New Providence community. When Jack, her new boyfriend, showed more interest in her after visiting her home on the hill, she didn’t pick up right away. It was days after their engagement when he suggested that they put their assets in both of their names that a warning light went off. Jack didn’t have any sound assets of his own other than a few taxi plates that barely made it to the road and the handful of gold-plated rope chains that peeped through his partially buttoned collared shirt. He still lived with his parents at 42 years of age and drove a refurbished sports convertible. It didn’t take Nadia long to tell Jack to hit the road and don’t turn back…no more.

Can They Pass The Mom Test?

On the other hand, mothers also have a unique way of discerning the right and wrong friends for their children. Many young men have brought their girl home to mom for a quick assessment. Sometimes they get a nod; other times, they get a raised eyebrow or a harsh stare, and when really concerned, a cut eye followed by a suck teeth. A young man confided in his mother that he wasn’t sure the girl he was attracted to was the real deal after receiving several photos of extreme makeovers on social media. The transformation was startling. He was not a heart patient, but still, he wasn’t looking for a surprise after she washed her face and removed her attachments. While he didn’t have a problem with a woman taking care of herself and making general enhancements, he didn’t want to have a wife who had to sleep with her makeup on for his peace of mind. His mother’s advice was brief. She encouraged him to take the young lady for a swim before he proposed. His mom believed that what was not naturally hers would hopefully wash away with the tide. He opted to ignore her suggestion and asked the lady directly, “Are you the one, or should I look for another?”

Not All Surprises Are What You Bargained For

An acquaintance shared her father’s story. Peter was a former military general in the South Pacific who had fallen in love with a local beauty. They dated for several months before he proposed. One morning he decided to surprise her with a visit. Not expecting him, she answered him behind the closed door, asking him to return after she had put on her makeup. This was ludicrous to him, they were from a modest culture, but they would soon be married. The lady reluctantly opened the door to her apartment. Not knowing what to expect, the man stumbled backward and ran away screaming. The only sound that blared in his pulsating head was, “Run, Peter, run!”His fiancé’s chest was flatter than usual. She had no eyebrows, short lashes, a receding hairline with thinning short hair, her flat face had virtually no lips, which was a stark contrast to her usual sumptuous lips, long lashes, sculpted face, and thick long hair. They never saw each other again.

At a gathering, a father cautioned his son about his new girlfriend. He told him that she looked good and seemed very intelligent but wanted to know how long he knew her. Did he know her people? The son was irritated, his family was difficult to please, but still, he asked his father why he had reservations about his new girlfriend. His father pulled him aside and told him that in all the years he’s had women, he’s never seen one with an adam’s apple.

Are Parents Always Right?

But can parents go overboard with their assessments, and what is the consequence? Shirley was sure Margot was not the right girl for her only child, Jason. She gave him an ultimatum. It was either his girlfriend or his mother. Shirley added that if he did choose Margot, he was not welcomed in their home. More than ten years and two grandchildren later, Shirley was too proud to admit that she had made a mistake. Jason and Margot were happy and were raising two lovely children who never knew their grandparents.

Albert was not happy about his last daughter Yasmine’s choice of a husband. Of his two daughters, he couldn’t figure why she couldn’t find a suitor like her sister, whose husband was well known in the community and came equipped with a great job and home. Her father didn’t consider character or potential, which was what Yasmine saw in her fiancé. When her sister’s marriage ended in domestic abuse and infidelity, Yasmine’s remained strong. After years of watching his oldest daughter’s marriage disintegrate, Albert conceded, Yasmin was a better judge of character than he was.

While parents can and do offer helpful relationship insights to their children. It is important to instill values in them early to help them decide on a spouse. Can parents still offer their opinion? Absolutely, when it is requested. Once you have made your position clear, there is no point in destroying your relationship. Show them by example what a healthy relationship looks like. It is also helpful to give them the ideal plain-talking marriage preparation book to help them navigate their relationship decisions as adults before looking for a suitor.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.