The War Against Substance Abuse in Marriage

Teri M. Bethel

Of all the crazy goals we can come up with, I have never heard of anyone planning to become a substance abuser. If you were to chat with someone who has recognized that they do have an addiction to drugs or alcohol, they would probably tell you that their consumption was initially because of peer pressure and later to fill an emotional or spiritual void.

Some may even recognize that alcohol and drug use was an unfortunate strain in their family, something that has affected their people for generations. In some cases, however, it was a case of a dependency on a legitimately prescribed pain medication. The users eased into it and somehow found themselves stuck—like the frog in the pot scenario. It is said that if you were to toss a frog in a pot of hot water, it would attempt to jump out, but if you took the same frog and placed him in a pan with colder water, over gradual heat, there is no cause for alarm, so it gets cooked.

How Addiction Affects Relationships

Many substance abusers are in denial. They simply refuse to acknowledge that they have a dependency on their drug of choice. Others quibble with the definition of alcoholism or drug addiction, claiming that they are users because they enjoy the substance. It is something they say can be stopped at any time.

Despite the fact that the spouse of a substance abuser claims that life with an abuser is horrific, it is fair to say that living with a sober spouse can also have its share of challenges. The usual complaint being the sober spouse is overbearing, controlling, judgemental, and unkind. This is a gripe when the addicted spouse believes the sober spouse has played a part in driving them to drink in some way. Though this may not be factual, it is a perception they have embraced as their reality.

When Do You Intervene?

Even though patience is essential in the best of relationships, a more considerable amount is necessary when living with a spouse or someone suffering from addictions. Living with an addict requires inner strength, wisdom, and boundless love. While the addict cries, “if you love me, you’ll let me,” the sober spouse cries, “because I love you, I won’t let you.” The two then become at odds with each other.

It is necessary for the sober spouse to understand that it is not possible to ultimately help someone who does not recognize that there is a problem in the first instance or someone who does not want to be helped. When there is a sincere indication that assistance is required, then the sober spouse should have an actionable plan ready to assist with minimal effort.

Casual Drinker or Addict

Not all drinkers have the same tolerance levels. Some may claim intoxication after two servings of alcohol when others may claim to feel a buzz after six. The tolerance level is not an indication of whether a person has a dependence on the substance.

CAGED is a questionnaire sometimes used by professional therapists when screening people 18 and over, to determine whether or not they have a drinking problem. The designers of this system say that having two or more answers in the affirmative is an indication that there is indeed a problem:

1. Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your drinking?
2. Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking?
4. Have you ever felt you needed a drink first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?

General Indications of Drug Use

Drug users have some similar indicators as an alcoholic, but there are some slight nuances for general use detection such as:

• Not wearing clean or well-presented clothing
• Poor grooming and personal hygiene
• Decreased attention span
• A change in rest and sleeping patterns
• Higher levels of agitation
• A change in personal values

Drug users tend to have hallucinogenic encounters; their moods spiral from highs to lows with deep depression courting their every move. More specific indicators are bloodshot eyes for marijuana users. Opiates like narcotic painkillers and heroin generally cause the pupils to shrink, and cocaine, ecstasy, and LSD causes the pupils to expand.

Indicators for Alcohol Disorders

Alcohol.org sets the following areas as indicators for someone with a drinking disorder. Anyone experiencing any two of the items listed below within a 12 month period can likely be diagnosed as an alcoholic:

• Using alcohol in higher amounts or for a longer time than originally intended.
• Being unable to cut down on alcohol use despite a desire to do so.
• Spending a lot of time obtaining, using, and recovering from the effects of alcohol.
• Cravings, or a strong desire to use alcohol.
• Being unable to fulfill major obligations at home, work, or school because of alcohol use.
• Continuing to abuse alcohol despite negative interpersonal or social problems that are likely due to alcohol use.
• Giving up previously enjoyed social, occupational, or recreational activities because of alcohol use.
• Using alcohol in physically dangerous situations (such as driving or operating machinery).
• Continuing to abuse alcohol despite the presence of a psychological or physical problem that is probably due to alcohol use.
• Having a tolerance (i.e. needing to drink increasingly large or more frequent amounts of alcohol to achieve the desired effect).
• Developing symptoms of withdrawal when efforts are made to stop using alcohol.

The important take away for you, whether you are a substance abuser or someone living with or married to a substance abuser is, they are all human beings who need help, hope, and love, not a judgment from you. Even though boundaries should be established to respect your home, living life as an abuser is imprisonment of its own sort. Nevertheless, you should avoid being an enabler, and you must learn to walk away or not answer every attack if you wish to deescalate a problem. Focus on your mental, physical, and spiritual help if you are going to survive this storm. Consider getting professional advice, whether or not the addicted spouse cares to seek help.  Remember that the choice to live is a gift each person must accept for themselves.