Sharnette Kemp
The first lesson to be learned in a marriage is to be open to new perspectives, new ideas, and new ways of doing things. The beauty of having an open heart is the opportunity for the marriage to bloom and flourish into something admired for years to come. When you’re young and have not researched how marriages work before getting married, you never quite know what is expected until you begin the journey together. Marriage is a partnership, a place where two histories come together. It’s in this place you may feel unprepared as both individuals’ past, hopes, and future converge into the present, where they must walk their journey together as a couple. Just as everyone is different, so is each marriage. However, the beauty of the union lies in its ability to embrace each other’s differences and create a space for growth for both individuals. Despite the seemingly simple nature of this thought, it is not always easy to execute.
Having Pre-conceived Ideas For Marriage
Having said I do at the age of twenty-two, and staying with my best friend and husband for twenty-eight years has been an amazing experience. At the beginning of our journey, I had so many pre-conceived ideas about what marriage was supposed to be, and I was eager to apply many of them when I got married. It wasn’t long into our marriage that we realized that our pre-conceived ideas were just that, ideas of our own. Our expectations were not practical, and instead of working together towards a common goal, we had been sabotaging our partnership. Fortunately, we learned early on that those notions about roles and gender in marriage were an obstruction to the smooth running of our home.
For instance, women cooked in our culture, or at least in my home. So naturally, I thought the kitchen was my domain—I should be the chef. Later, when I complained that all the cooking was left to me, I realized that it was an issue I created, one that could have been avoided. You see, by bringing our own expectations into a marriage, based on our upbringing, culture, and even our fantasies, we are developing a problem that can be a burden on the partnership. It is essential to realize that pre-conceived expectations can negatively impact your behaviour and thinking patterns that prevent you from embracing your spouse’s ideas or way of doing things. This becomes a barrier to the other person’s input and thoughts. These barriers not only rob your spouse’s expression but can stunt the development of the marriage.
Is It Okay To Express My Feelings Too?
Also critical is recognizing that everyone is entitled to express their feelings. They are valid and deserve to be heard and respected. It took me some time to come to that conclusion, but it took the burden off my shoulders when I did. You can disagree with your spouse on a matter and still respect that it’s their opinion. This understanding requires maturity, but you can do it if you are sincere and keen on being a strong couple. In the past, I was inclined to dismiss new ideas and concepts as invalid because my spouse came up with them. It took us a long time to learn and understand how to use mutual respect to help build our marriage. Respect means I see you as valuable and what you have to offer is equally beneficial for me. In turn, it gives your spouse the feeling of belonging and that we are on this journey together. No one is solely responsible for the journey, but instead, we are responsible for it together. This attitude fosters a sense of appreciation and value within the relationship, ensuring that everyone has something to contribute. To learn the importance of respectful treatment of one’s ideas and thoughts, you must understand that respect does not mean agreeing with everything your spouse says or does, but rather that I respect that they are your thoughts and feelings. When mutual respect is shown to one another you are both more confident and in love and excited about building our lives together.
Your Past Can Affect Your Future
Our past can affect behaviour and ideas. I took this for granted when I started my marriage journey. It never occurred to me that my opinions, thoughts, and lack of self-confidence would weave themselves into the tapestry I had begun with my husband. I was indecisive, and my indecision would frustrate my husband to no end. He didn’t know that my lack of confidence came from my painful childhood. Making a decision was difficult because I felt I did not have much to offer; I had no chance of standing on my own. It took us time to develop a non-judgmental, non-threatening space in which we felt safe to share. This is extremely important in marriage.
Neither of us really understood until years into our marriage that showing yourself fully to someone takes patience, love, and understanding from both people. This would require us to listen and feel compassion even when we did not agree or understand why the other person did what they did. This requires putting your feelings aside, if only for a moment. This tender space we carved out has evolved into a place we treasure, our sanctuary, a place we ensure will last for a lifetime. So don’t be afraid to do the work and create your own space for you and your spouse to find solace in when life gets overwhelming and demanding.
Lack of Communication Can Cause Lack of Intimacy
There is more to communication than just talking. Your attitude and actions show exactly how you’re feeling and scream what you may be internalizing very loudly. Because I was a non-communicator, my husband spent hours probing and trying to understand what I was feeling. I was afraid to express myself, fearing I would be misunderstood. Like every marriage, we realized we needed to build a firm foundation for our relationship to work. Without communication, it is easy to become strangers living in the same house. If you do not communicate, you are probably sabotaging your relationship. By communicating with your spouse, you will see how marriage is a beautiful partnership if you are both willing to work on it. However, you must be willing to work on yourself and not constantly try to fix your mate. As the two have now become one, you will realize how much stronger you are together through the convergence of minds, thoughts, ideas, emotions, failures, and successes. The beauty of oneness creates an intimate bond, which cannot be easily destroyed.
Prophetess Sharnette Kemp is the author of Help Lord I’m Bleeding, My Encounter with Grace. She is also the co-founder & Sr. Leader of Gateway Kingdom Ministries in Lower Bogue, Eleuthera. Prophetess Kemp is married to Pastor Martin Kemp. The couple has three children.