Choosing The Right Husband

Teri M. Bethel

It’s pretty standard for ladies to list what they want in a man. As a matter of fact, when approached holistically, it’s wise. However, a list limited to the usual handsome, church-going man with money usually falls flat. Those ladies are the first to discover that it takes more to make their marriage work.

As a 2009 marriage and divorce study by the Barna Group indicated, there are just as many divorces in the church as outside. Further research by author Shaunti Feldhahn, showed that Barna’s Christian category included people who professed a belief in Christianity but did not live a committed lifestyle. While love, sex, and church attendance are fundamental parts of a marriage, they should not be considered the bedrock of a successful marriage.

Emotional Connections Are Not Enough

If a man needs to develop in critical areas, allow him the time for growth. His identity, communication, job security, and character development may need sharpening to be a better husband. That may not mean that he’s not the one. It just means you are allowing each other time to develop. This way you would be better partners. A forced-fit situation can leave the man feeling pressured and the woman feeling as though she is the lead person in the relationship. For even a well-intentioned but under-developed man, that’s usually a big turnoff.

Ignoring Wise Advice

Ladies, if you really want to have a successful marriage, you must be honest with yourself. A young lady shared with me her eagerness to get married to a younger man in her church. She thought that since they were both at the same church benefitting from the same teaching, they would be compatible.

Despite his family’s cautioning and a strong warning from her pastor that the young man was not ready for marriage, she went full-speed ahead with the wedding. She soon realized that he was not emotionally, spiritually, socially, or financially mature. Her desire to defy her self-imposed marriage expiration date clouded all practical reasoning. She believed she could make the man into the perfect mate, even though he was happy as he was. Today, after more than ten years of trying to make the marriage work, she has had to move away for her physical, emotional, and financial well-being.

What Questions Should You Ask When Choosing Your Man

Apart from first determining if you are sufficiently prepared for marriage and not looking for someone to complete you, here are a few questions you can ponder when considering a husband:

• What are his spiritual values? – Are you on the same page, or will you be continually bickering because your beliefs are different? Is he morally sensitive, or does anything go?
• Is he really interested in you, or is he playing both sides of the fence? – Some men, like women, believe marriage is the key to settling their hormones. Whatever issues exist before marriage, however, are carried into the marriage and continues if they were not dealt with.
• Do you communicate well with each other? Men, in general, do not talk as much as women. However, when you do speak, do you show him honor and respect?
• Does he treat you with respect? If a man was not raised in an environment where women are respected, he might not know how to handle the fairer sex. Settling for improper treatment may very well block the path for someone who will treat you as you deserve.
• Can he support you and a family? Ladies are sometimes so eager to find a mate that they settle for an underdeveloped male dependent on their finances instead of a financially independent man. A potential husband should be actively supporting himself through legitimate means with the ability and willingness to contribute to the support of his family.
• Is he kind and gentle or jealous and violent? When he finds a “lady”, a gentleman should be kind and considerate. Jealousy and violence are indications of impending danger and not worth the trouble.
• Does he invest in developing his skills? It is often necessary to update your skills to maximize employability in our changing world. A man who continues to learn and invest in his abilities is an asset to his family.
• Does he have a plan for his future? Failing to plan is planning to fail. Being busy will keep him occupied, but upward mobility may not be his lot in life. If you are ambitious, you won’t be satisfied with someone who isn’t.
• Does he have integrity? A man who lacks integrity will violate your trust. He will have you caged in suspicion, questioning his every word and action even when he may be telling the truth.
• Is he willing to learn how to have a successful marriage? Most people don’t invest in developing their relationships. Taking a marriage enrichment class and reading books like Before We Say, I Do… and My Marriage Matters (authored by me) can help you to avoid unnecessary hassles in your relationship.

Among the essential qualities of a good husband are men who are:

• Loving
• Kind
• Honest
• Patient
• Forgiving
• Humble
• Teachable
• Respectable
• Respectful
• Sober
• Employed/employable and
• Family-minded

While many men are sound and have their heads screwed on straight, some need to be mentored by an appropriate role model before becoming relationship or marriage-ready. When you find a possible candidate for marriage, recognize that, like you, he will fall short of perfection and will need the space to develop without criticism. This will allow him to maintain his dignity and present himself to you whole and without the marks of being hen-pecked.

Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.