Teri M. Bethel
It’s quite natural to have differing opinions. After all, no two people are alike. Now, when they come together, you can imagine that there will be differences of opinion. Those differences often lead to arguments. But they don’t have to. We act the way we do because of the information we’ve received. Our actions generally shift when there is a change of information.
Have you noticed that some adults have double standards when it comes to arguing? It’s acceptable behavior for them but wrong for their children, who are not only told not to argue but punished if they do. Instead, they are encouraged to work their issues out amicably. Many have heard their parents say, “don’t do what I do, do what I tell you to do!”
Kids, however, learn to resolve conflicts just as they see the adults doing. So, they raise their voices in anger, spew harsh words, have temper tantrums, and wield objects without restraint. The cycle then continues into adulthood, which affects marriages and other relationships.
Love Shouldn’t Hurt
Pretty often, it’s not the problem that’s the problem, but how you choose to address the issue that makes the difference. Some couples claim to have a short fuse or that they’re passionate. They raise their voices and flail their arms when communicating. Non-confrontational spouses take the abuse quietly while nursing their heartache from their overbearing partner.
Other couples claim that fighting fair is important as though their relationship is an authorized wrestling match. Did you know it’s possible not to fight or argue at all? In fact, disagreements do not have to turn into arguments. Both people involved in the relationship have a right to express their opinions without being bullied. In any event, having ground rules for your disagreements before they happen would be helpful. That way, you are less likely to do and say things to your spouse that would leave emotional dents.
No Big Rocks!
It’s not like when you were kids, and you had a rock war with your neighbors. Remember, you would set the terms of engagement like this: “Okay, no big rocks!” But on the way back across the street to tell your team how the negotiations went, you got whacked with a big rock. For your marriage or any other relationship to survive, you’ve got to have standards. Set communication guidelines and stick with it regardless of how high your passion rises. Call it establishing healthy rules of engagement.
Remember, everyone is entitled to an opinion. A wise man once said that opinions are like noses; most have at least two holes. Take the time to listen to your spouse before putting forth your point of view. Perhaps there would be less agitation if there was twice as much listening as there was talking. While you’re at it, practice good body language. Being two inches from your spouse’s face with a finger on the verge of entering their nostril is disrespectful and does not provide an atmosphere for a friendly conversation.
Can Public Shaming Help Your Situation?
When you honor your spouse, that honor is not just when you feel like it; it should be constant. When you become annoyed, defuse that anger before it spirals out of control. It may require walking away from the conversation in a polite manner before you can speak calmly. This way, you can navigate sensitive issues with a clear head and a respectful disposition.
Whether intentional or not, some couples wield their rocks in a public forum; they do so at family events, church, on social media, or in-office chatter, hoping to shame or discredit their spouse. However, this public shaming says more about the character deficiency of the exposer than the exposed.
Keep Private Disagreements Private
If you have children, how does this play out for them—are you by your example conditioning your children to be disrespectful to you and your mate, or their mates? Are you burdening them with too much information by drawing them into conversations that should be kept behind closed doors? Could your behavior be what is affecting your children’s behavior at school or in their relationships?
As adults, our behavior has a trickle-down effect that affects all levels of society. What we are behind closed doors will somehow show up despite all efforts to suppress them. We can sugar-coat our deficiencies or look them squarely in the eyes and address them. No one has it all together, so fixing an area in our lives should be considered a routine course of action, not a judgmental slap in the face. That’s just one way to begin to stem the flow of abuse in our relationships.
But I’m Not Patient!
I’ve heard some people say, “But I’m not patient!” Yet they claim to love their spouse. Well, which one is it? Are you impatient, or do you love them? You see, the Bible tells us that “love is patient”. So rather than letting a pesky little devil get between the two of you, why not learn how to stand together as one and drive it away from both of you. That way, you can focus on having the best relationship yet. One that is free from constant bickering—one that causes you to build each other up rather than breaking yourselves down. You can learn to communicate lovingly if you really want to. Don’t you think it’s about time you begin to celebrate each other in this way?
Teri M. Bethel is a published author of books in several genres, including marriage preparation, marriage enrichment, children’s adventures & character building, romance, and more. Teri and her husband Tellis reside in the Bahamas. The couple has two adult children.